


Be Wondrous like Thunder

by kittenmittens



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Bottom Thor (Marvel), Breastfeeding, M/M, Male Lactation, Mpreg, No Thorki but, Post-Thor: Ragnarok (2017), Pregnant Sex, Reincarnation, Thor is Loki's mom in this, Top Bruce Banner, also theres straight up hulk smut so if that bugs you, baby Loki, i'd UHHHH steer clear my dudes, little Loki does have the teeniest oedipus complex, mpreg Thor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-02-09
Packaged: 2019-03-13 10:31:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 24,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13568727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittenmittens/pseuds/kittenmittens
Summary: In which Thor attempts to date Bruce Banner and raise a tiny God of mischief at the same time.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm pretty sure this is actually one of the longest fics I've ever written, and I absolutely did not plan it that way at all lmao. Anyway, I'll be uploading it in three or four separate pieces/chapters as I finish editing, but it's technically all done. Can't imagine there's going to be a large audience for this fic, but I hope those of you reading it enjoy it. Thank you. ^^

“No. No, _damn it_. I won’t die like this!” Loki grabs Thor by the collar and yanks him down, hand pale and trembling against his gaping wound. “Do you hear me, you idiot? I _won’t_ …”

Grimacing, Thor kneels next to Loki and placing a hand on his shoulder. “Loki, I don’t want to be suspicious, but this would be the second time you’ve died recently“

“Shut _up!_ ” Loki hisses. “Damn you, I’m not faking! Do you see this? The gigantic _hole_ in my side? Ah, look.” He swallows, fingers going limp as blood begins spurting out even faster. “Lovely.”

Thor feels his face fall in a panic. “Loki? Loki, no. You’re… “ It’s like his heart’s been plucked straight out of his ribcage. He can’t seem to breathe. “You aren’t… This is real, isn’t it?”

“It’s… certainly looking that way!” Loki grits his teeth, letting his head loll back. “I do have… a _plan._ For this sort of situation. It’s a rather unpleasant one, and it would’ve worked much better with someone other than you, _but_ …”

“Do it!” Moving like he’s going to let go, Thor freezes, then goes back to holding Loki desperately. “What are you waiting for? U-Unless you aren’t really dying, in which case, bravo. Really… got me this time. That looks very believable.”

“Oh, go to _hell,_ ” Loki growls. He takes a deep breath, grabbing a lock of Thor’s hair. Thor yelps as his brother yanks a few strands out of his scalp. “Th-There. Do forgive me for this, brother.” He laughs weakly. “I only wish I could be there to see it. This should be _quite_ entertaining.

“W-Wait, what?” Thor stares, then pulls his hand back in alarm as Loki fades. Into _nothingness._ His clothes shrivel and then drop to the ground, empty. “All right. I get it. A prank! A very poorly timed prank done in awful taste. Yes. I understand. You can come out now. If you aren’t naked.”

There’s no response, just silence. Thor frowns.

“Loki?”

 

*

 

Thor had almost missed it thanks to his grieving, but a few weeks after Loki’s disappearance (Thor hesitates to call it a death, since he has no proof that such an event _actually_ took place), he can’t really ignore it any longer. So, he decides to ask for help.

"Banner!" The doctor flinches when Thor calls out to him, almost like he expects to be punished or something.

"Uh... Yeah, Thor?" Banner turns to him with that same, constant nervous look on his face. It actually reminds Thor of when somebody stupid stares at the sun for a very long time. Which is funny, because Banner is supposed to be extremely smart. It’s his whole _deal_ with the Hulk, after all. Banner is smart, and Hulk is dumb. "What's up?"

"I have..." Trailing off, Thor furrows his brow. How should he bring this up, exactly? "I have a problem. And you are a doctor, so I came to see you."

"Oh... kay." Banner’s shoulders slump. "Pretty sure I'm not the kind of doctor you need, but hell, I can try to help. What’s been bothering you?"

"Ah." Grinning, Thor nods. "You see, there is a very strange growth between my legs—"

" _Nope!"_ Banner's eyes bug out and he basically shouts at Thor. _Rude_. "S-Sorry, I just... I'm not that kind of doctor."

Thor frowns in confusion. "What about your many PHDs?"

"Trust me," Banner says, "those aren't applicable in this situation. You need to go see a real doctor. And probably not anyone from Asgard, since I get the feeling not a lot of your medical technology survived that giant... _fire guy_ blowing it up. I'm sure Tony can recommend one."

Well, this was disappointing. Thor had hoped this could be kept private. An issue among friends, so to speak. "Very well."

"Look, _not_ that I want to hear any more about your problem," Banner adds, "but I'm sure it's nothing. I wouldn't worry about it."

Laughing loudly, Thor strides over to Banner so he can clap a hand gratefully on the small doctor's shoulder. "Thank you! I'm sure you're right. You know me, always worrying about the little things."

Banner grimaces up at him. "That literally sounds _nothing_ like you."

"Ehh." Tilting his head, Thor smiles in a pitying way. "Agree to disagree."

 

*

 

“Your brother,” the Captain says, as though saying it out loud is causing him pain, “got you pregnant.”

Thor smiles awkwardly. “Yes.” Everyone is looking at him now, with varying degrees of disgust on their face, and—“Oh! Oh, no! No, no. N-Not like that.” Wincing, Thor scrunches up his face up like he’s trying to get an awful taste out of his mouth. “Gross.” He shakes his head, explaining, “He used magic. As he was dying, he decided to give me one last trial to endure. Another one of his… _brilliant_ tricks.” He growls under his breath. “Well, you got me, brother. _Well done.”_

“And, you’re going to, um…” The Captain starts to say something else, then trails off.

“You’re going to keep the baby?” Natasha ventures.

“… Keep?” Thor gives her a bewildered look. Infants aren’t _that_ easy to displace, are they?

“You’re going to give birth to it?” she amends. “Look. I don’t know how Asgardians feel about this sort of thing, but on Midgard, if you don’t want to have a child, or you aren’t ready, or you’re…” She pauses to collect her thoughts. “A man who’s been… cursed, you can get a… procedure. So that you don’t have to carry to term.”

“Oh.” Thor blinks. “Oh! Oh. That’s all right. I’m good.” Natasha keeps looking at him as though he’s missing something important. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that! With… people who want to do that. I respect women who… who know what they want out of life, and are able to make such a difficult decision, but… nope! Not for me. Ah—again, can’t stress the ‘respecting women’ part enough—“

“Okay.” Natasha holds her hand up, cutting him off abruptly. “We get it. That’s completely fine. But we’re going to have to set up a few ground rules.”

“You’ll have to find a physician here on Ear—er, _Midgard_ ,” the Captain points out. “I’m sure your medical technology is plenty advanced, but you probably don’t have access to the same tools you had on Asgard, so it may be best to find a doctor here. You’ll probably want to lessen your workload as king, and, obviously, any Avengers related activity is out of the question.”

Thor blinks in surprise. “Why?”

Natasha glances at the Captain, apparently confused. “Because… you’re _pregnant?”_

“So?” Natasha gives the tiniest shake of her head, like Thor’s being really hard to deal with or something. Frowning, he decides not to push it, frowning and shrugging weakly. “That seems like a stupid reason, but okay.”

“Tony?” The Captain finally calls attention to Stark, who’s been sitting on the couch, being uncharacteristically quiet. “Anything else you want to add?”

“Oh, no. I’m good, I’m good. It’s just… Well, actually, I’m just a _tiny_ bit concerned. No big deal, really, but, yeah, definitely a concern.”

“What’s wrong?” Natasha asks slowly, saying it like she has to forcibly drag the words from her mouth.

“Thank you for asking, ‘Tash. I think we’ve got a real problem here.” Stark shakes his head, standing up and drumming his fingers against the side of his sunglasses. “This is… the funniest goddamn thing I’ve ever heard of. And I can’t even laugh. I think I’ve blown a fuse. What if—“ He takes his sunglasses off, staring at all of them gravely. “What if I never laugh again? What if I’m incapable? That’s gotta be some kind of hell, right? Not being able to laugh at this?”

Natasha and the Captain make Stark leave after that.

 

*

 

“Damn you, Loki…” Swallowing, Thor winces at the taste of bile still clinging to the inside of his throat. After he finally catches his breath, he leans miserably over his dining table. The apartment, and all the furniture it came with, is very nice, but Thor can hardly appreciate it thanks to the state he’s in.  “Y-You must think you’re _sooooo_ clever. Probably… grinning down at me, from Valhalla. Or up at me, from Hel. N-Not really sure, actually. You were sort of ambiguous when it came to morality at the end there. _Bastard_.”

“So, you’re… having morning sickness?” Banner asks, and Thor notes how he always sounds so timid, like he thinks Thor will throw him out the window or something. Which is stupid, because if Thor did that, Banner would just become Hulk, and jump back in through the window and punch Thor a lot. (Thor would still win that fight, though.) Also, he invited Banner here. “Sorry to hear that. I mean, you’ve probably never even had a hangover.”

“Morning sickness.” Groaning, Thor rubs at his face with both hands. “What is that?”

“Uh, it’s… Y’know.” Banner gestures towards him limply. “When you’re… pregnant, and you get nauseated in the mornings. That’s what we call it here.”

“Ah.” Thor frowns. Guess he should have figured that one out on his own.

There’s a small pause, which Banner then interrupts.

“Look. Not that I have a problem with it—“ He cuts himself off, looking conflicted. “I-I mean, I don’t. If anything, I’m flattered! … I think. But, uh… why do you keep coming to me when you wanna talk about this stuff?” Cocking an eyebrow, he adds, “You do remember that I’m not that kind of doctor, right?”

“Of course! It’s just that I…” Shrugging, Thor fidgets and looks down at his hands. “After Sakaar, and Asgard, finding you, and meeting Valkyrie. Dealing with Hela, and the Grand Master, the _anus—“_ Banner looks alarmed so Thor clarifies. “The big one, in the sky! Over Sakaar. The Devil’s Anus.” Thor grits his teeth. “God, that’s such a bad name.” Shaking his head, he clears his throat to remind himself to get back on track. “Right. Anyway, um…  When we were fighting each other, and hanging out more, just the two of us… I kind of thought we were becoming friends!” Finally, he glances up, giving Banner a hopeful look. “And not just _Avengers_ friends, real friends!” Thor… doesn’t have a lot of those left anymore. Okay, sure, he’s ‘friends’ with everyone on Asgard, but that’s kind of like saying you’re friends with your mother.

“Uh.” Banner looks uncomfortable, but Thor can’t tell if it’s the same uncomfortable he always seems to be, or an uncomfortable that’s even worse than normal. “I mean—yeah! Sure. We’re friends, Thor.”

Thor beams. “Oh, good!” Grinning at Banner, he adds, “I knew it. We’re practically best friends. Definitely the best two friends in the team. Especially since Natasha broke up w—“

“Yeah, uh—Hm.” Banner clears his throat, scratching the back of his head vigorously. “Don’t push it, big guy.”

 

*

 

"Alright. I understand that what I did was unacceptable." That's a lie, actually. Thor is still very confused about what happened. Banner took him to a place where there were very large men in colorful costumes yelling at each other, because he thought Thor 'might enjoy it.' They sat and watched as the men on stage insulted one another, then began wrestling, up until the first hit the second with a folding chair. Banner had been right—Thor was exhilarated! So much so that he tried to leap into the arena himself, but Banner stopped him, and Thor doesn't completely... _get_ why. The man in the ring was challenging the audience, calling them cowards and daring them to fight him. How else was Thor meant to react?  "I won't do it again."

"That's... That's not the only issue, big guy." Banner drums his fingers on the table, staring down at his coffee. Thor tried to order one of those when Banner took him here after the show, but Banner wouldn't let him do that, either. "You're supposed to be taking it easy, okay? No more doing stressful stuff like fighting random people. At least, not until the kid's... _out."_

"Oh." Nodding, Thor furrows his brow as he thinks. "What about sparring?" He quickly adds, "You know—with a trustworthy friend who won't hit any of my vital points!" Since Thor’s been training since he was very small, he knows exactly how to fight without lethal intent. If Banner’s so worried, Thor could just tell his opponent they can’t aim for his stomach area.

"What? No! No... sparring! What're you, crazy?" Banner groans, kneading at his temple as if Thor's being unreasonable. Which is ridiculous, since Banner's the one making a big fuss over nothing.

Thor frowns. "What about jousting?" That can't be off limits too, can it?

"Like, on a horse?" Banner finally lifts his head, just so Thor can see how appalled he is. "That's _worse!_ "

"Okay, okay." Laughing, Thor makes a 'calm down’ gesture. "I'll stick to long-ranged weapons. Or swordplay. No hammers. I don't think I'm ready for another hammer yet. Old wounds, you know."

"Thor, you _can't..."_ Banner's forehead is starting to get a tiny bit veiny, and Thor realizes Banner's losing his patience. It would be very inconvenient for the Hulk to appear here, and Thor understands that, but also, he has absolutely no idea why what they're talking about is so frustrating to the small man. "You just can't. The most exercise you should be doing is yoga, or maybe jogging a little. There's no... _battling_ people when you're pregnant. It's... " He shrugs weakly. "You just shouldn't be doing it. Your doctor's probably not gonna allow it, either."

"Oh." Going quiet for a minute, Thor puzzles over this, then slams his fist forcefully against the table, making Banner cringe. "Well, I'm the king, so I'll make it allowed."

"Look! Thor—" Banner places a palm on his hand—the one he used to smash against the table—then twitches and pulls it away. Well, that was confusing. "On Earth, or Midgard, or _whatever_ , when a woma—a _person_ is pregnant, they don't joust with their friends."

" _HA!_ " Thor lets out a bark of a laugh. "You know, Banner, you can be pretty funny! Keep it up. I may like you more than Hulk yet."

"Thank you?" Banner glances aside, like he thinks he's on that 'Candied Camera' program Stark told Thor about. "That wasn't a joke, but... "

"You're worrying over nothing," Thor insists. "In fact, legends tell of a brave Valkyrie who once rode into battle, seven months pregnant, and successfully rescued her entire squadron." He beams, confident his point has been proven without a shadow of a doubt. "I’m a _God,_ Banner! I’m can handle anything. So I can totally do whatever and I want, and it will be fine."

Banner's buried his face in his hands when Thor looks at him again. He stays that way when he speaks, voice becoming slightly muffled. "Look. I know Asgardians are tough. Really tough. But if you want to be absolutely sure this kid's going to make it into the world, and for it to be okay, and not unhealthy, or in danger... " Groaning, Banner lets out a deep exhale as the veins on his forehead seem to finally recede. "Save the hero stuff, and king stuff, and _fighting_ stuff for later. Just... think of it as a personal favor to me."

Thor smiles again. Though he doesn't fully understand, if it's that important to Banner, Thor knows he can't refuse. That's what being friends is about! Grabbing the doctor’s hand, he gives it a solid shake. "All right, Banner. Deal."

Banner chuckles tiredly. "Thanks. I might, uh, ask for one more favor on top of that."

"Of course!" Thor will gladly help the other man, as long as it's within the realms of things that are possible. For instance, Thor doesn't think he could make Banner himself any less of a small, very _nerdy_ person. "What would you like?"

"I think I'd like to conduct a few studies regarding Asgardian biology, and longevity..." The next part he mumbles almost too quietly for Thor to hear. "I mean, the lifespan's one thing, but this is giving me a few questions about _how_ you guys survived for this long."

 

*

 

"More rules?" Thor stares in disbelief at the Captain, fork and knife almost slipping from his hands.

"No! I mean... " Rogers shakes his head, then shrugs, seeming reluctant to admit the truth. "Okay. Yeah, kind of. But no one is going to force you to do anything. They're just recommendations."

"Very well." Nodding, Thor gives the Captain a warm grin so he'll continue as he cuts into his steak. It's his third. Or... fifth. He isn't certain, but his appetite has grown to be rather monstrous lately. It would creep him out if he weren't getting numb to that sort of thing. Frankly, he’s still traumatized by the shock of waking up one morning without a beard. "Please continue."

"Oh, well, uh... First off—" Rogers gestures to his plate, grimacing. "You're probably going to want to get a list of foods you can't eat from your doctors. I think, uh, rare steak might be one of them, so you may wanna hold off." He thinks for a second, then says, “Next time."

"No need for concern," Thor replies. "I've only had three." Or five. Still, not that many.

The Captain blinks. "Right." He shakes his head, as if rearranging his thoughts. Probably because he has so many leader-ish things going on in his head, and he has to figure out how to sound less bossy about everything. So far, Thor thinks he's doing a decent job! Not great. "Anyway, you should also get some vitamins. Supplies for the baby. And, this isn't gonna be something you'll like, but..." Rogers sighs deeply. "It's probably in your best interest to keep this secret. And once you start looking... Once you start getting bigger, you might want to stay in your apartment most of the time. You know, out of the public eye."

Cocking an eyebrow, Thor stares at Rogers bewilderment. "Are you mad? This is a good thing!" Dropping his knife, he gestures insistently as he explains, "Sure, the circumstances are... very weird, and I'm still mad at Loki, but I won’t hide this. On Asgard, an impending birth, particularly a royal one, is cause for celebration!"

"Yeah, well, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but on Earth, things are different." Rogers looks at Thor very intently and Thor feels a bit intimidated. Well, no, not really. Thor's not intimidated by anyone, because he's Thor, and he's stronger than any of the other Avengers, even if he’s pregnant. But still. It's a very serious look. "I'm not saying you aren't allowed to be happy about this, but you're a public figure, and you also have quite a few enemies. You're in a vulnerable state right now. If people know you're... " Rogers can't seem to stomach saying the word 'pregnant', so he skips it entirely. "If they know about your condition, they might try and hurt you." Thor opens his mouth to respond, but the Captain cuts him off. "And even if you're too tough to get hurt, something could still happen to the baby. It's better to just play it safe. Nobody can use your condition against you if nobody knows about it."

"All right," Thor murmurs. "I understand."

There's a short silence, and then, as if on cue, the server appears and begins unloading a couple of pitchers of milk. Because Thor is definitely trying to be healthy, and knows better than to drink ale. (Although he was reluctant to give it up, so he made sure to double-check with Banner.) Reaching out for one of the pitchers gleefully, Thor explains, "I was thirsty!"

Rogers groans loudly and buries his face in his hands. "Oh my God."

 

*

 

"It's just _hard_ , you know?" Slumping forward, Thor rests cheeks against his hands. "Being the only one left in my entire family." It’s been nearly four months, and if Loki really were still around, he would have appeared by now to gloat about what he’d done to Thor.

"Mm. Sure." Valkyrie dumps half of a bottle of mead into a very large glass. "No idea what that's like."

"Sorry," Thor mutters sheepishly. He isn't sure why Valkyrie brought him here—all right, no, he is, this bar has a bigger variety of alcohol than any other Midgardian bar he’s been in—but Thor can hardly partake in the fun. Instead, he's forced to sip on "pop" (although, admittedly, he really likes the little bubbles,) and watch Valkyrie down drink after drink. "It's just… It’s very strange. I can't talk about this with anyone."

"Oh, that's not true," Valkyrie argues. "You can talk about it with yourself. Or, you could not talk about it at all.” She take another swig. “You’ve got options."

Rolling his eye, Thor huffs, slouching forward with one arm draped over the bar while the other wraps lightly over his swell of a stomach. It seemed to happen overnight, where his muscles faded and gave way to a prominent belly. It's too high and firm to be mistaken for fat, but, admittedly, Thor might be just as ashamed of people thinking he’s gone soft _._ Although, if that were the case, at least he wouldn't be so uncomfortably aware of how strange he looks. "I don't know what any of them would think." He growls under his breath before grumbling, "Well, no. Loki, wherever he is, has to be laughing at me. He's having a riot."

"At least that makes one of us." Valkyrie pushes her empty glasses aside, waving the barkeep down and pointing to the shelf behind him. "Give me that. No, no— _the bottle_. Yes, you idiot. The entire thing." He hands it to her with an expression of disbelief and she smiles sweetly. "Thank you."

"Mother would be... supportive, I think," Thor muses. "Probably very confused. But I know she would try to make me comfortable for this ordeal." Turning his head, he sighs and watches as Valkyrie stares him down. With no expression on her face, she upturns her entire bottle and downs its contents rapidly. "Would you stop that?"

She holds up her finger in that 'wait a minute' gesture. Well, Thor guesses she _is_ already two-thirds of the way through it.

"Nevermind." He takes another moody sip of his co-la, turning away from Valkyrie.

"No, no," Valkyrie says, patting his shoulder and smiling warmly. "I've had enough to drink. I'm in a better mood now."

Thor just grunts.

"Ohh, come on!" Valkyrie squeezes his shoulder gently, pulling him into half a hug. Her breath stinks a bit from the liquor, but... Thor doesn't really mind. "What about, ahhh... Your father! He'd be the worst, I bet. Very awkward, and downright _pissed_ that his precious heir, golden God of thunder, had gotten, er... _tin roof rusted."_

"Heh..." All right. Thor can only be bitter for so long. "I don't know what a roof has to do with this, but I'm glad you're in a better mood." After clearing his throat, he continues. "But, my father... " Yes, Valkyrie’s right. It would have been awkward, having father see him like this. There's no denying that. In fact, now that he's visibly growing, he keeps thinking how relieved he is that no member of his family will ever see him like this. He’s aware of how how ridiculous he's going to look towards the end. "Who knows. He might have been accepting of it. He really mellowed out towards the end."

Valkyrie gives him one more squeeze. "Buy me another bottle of this, and I'll show you how a _master_ mellows out."

"Tempting, but—" Lifting his little glass, Thor gives it a shake. "--maybe you should try a couple of these for your next round."

 

*

 

“You look…” Banner clears his throat very loudly, then stays quiet for a few seconds, like he can’t think of what to say. Which is weird because, normally, Banner has a lot to say about everything, a lot of which Thor doesn’t fully understand. “… different.”

“Yes, I know.” Sighing, Thor shifts his weight from one foot to the other, grinning awkwardly. “Because I have breasts now.”

“N-NO!” Banner winces, face going _very_ red. “I m-mean… Yes. Uh, no. Y… _Yes_. But I wasn’t going to say that, specifically.”

“It’s all right.” Thor shrugs. “I’m not in denial about it or anything.” Patting his side, Thor glances down at himself. “Eir—she was sort of like my childhood doctor—said I have developed ‘child-birthing’ hips as well.”

“Okay! Okay.” Banner swallows loudly. His face is still really red. Thor guesses medical things make him uncomfortable, which is odd, since he’s a doctor. Oh, right! But not _that_ kind. “I get it. We don’t have to keep… talking about it.”

“Are you certain?” Stepping away from the counter, Thor tries to keep his stride confident. It’s getting harder—not only does his stomach sticks out conspicuously, and at this point, it’s just heavy enough to make him feel less balanced. “I see that this conversation is making you uncomfortable. But, sometimes, the key to overcoming discomfort is exposure.”

“No! No, I’m okay!” Banner scrambles away from him, stumbling backwards and holding his arms out, like he’s about to start pushing Thor away. “Seriously! Whatever you’re thinking, you do _not_ have to do anythi—”

“Wait.” Freezing, Thor keeps his hands on the hem of his shirt, fully prepared to yank it over his head before a thought occurs to him. Clucking sympathetically, he reaches out and touches Banner’s shoulder lightly.  “Are you… Have you never seen a breast before?”

Banner has both hands over his face now. “Oh my God.”

“It’s fine, Banner,” Thor assures him. “Not everyone can pass those milestones in their youth. I’m sure you would very busy getting your doctorates!” He squeezes the Midgardian’s shoulder lightly, tacking on, “But not the other kind of doctorate. Otherwise you would have seen breasts.”

Banner grunts moodily. “I hate you.”

Thor huffs. “Well, now you’re just being mean.”

 

*

 

“Whoa, big guy.” Stark claps Thor on the back as soon as he sees him, tilting his shades down so he can study him. “You really blew up, huh?”

“Uh, no! I haven’t been near any explosions lately.” Thor sighs. “Banner has been very adamant about that.”

“No, Thor.” Natasha gestures to his stomach, explaining, “He means that you’re really showing.”

Scratching at the side of his head, Thor tries to puzzle out what Natasha is saying. “Showing what?”

“That you’ve got a bun in the oven,” Stark pipes up again, reaching down to rub circles against Thor’s belly, something Thor’s learned that some Midgardians do for luck. Well, Stark could definitely use more of that. “But I’m getting a little sick of this bit, so lemme just cut to the chase. You look like you’re ready to pop.”

Thor nods, finally understanding. It would be hard not to, with Stark pawing at his stomach, but Thor doesn't mind.. "Ah, yes." Smiling to himself, Thor adds, "I will be giving birth soon."

A few of his teammates flinch when he says that. "Okay," Natasha states slowly. "A little blunt, but I'm... I mean, we're _all_ glad you're happy."

"I am!" Thor pats his stomach gently, then throws an arm around Banner, pulling him into a tight side-hug. "When Banner kept trying to make me go to the doctor, I thought he was just... you know, freaking out about everything because he's such a small, neurotic person—" Stark grins very broadly at that, nodding slowly, so Thor laughs and points. "Ha! See, Banner? Stark gets it!" Clearing his throat, Thor reluctantly lets go of Banner when starts squirming like he's struggling to breathe. "Anyway, I thought it was stupid, since we Asgardians have medical technology that, frankly, makes your Midgardian health practices look embarrassing, but he had a good point: most of that stuff did end up getting completely destroyed by Sutur." He brings his hand up to his side, almost without thinking, resting his palm against the curve of his belly. "But it was a wonderful experience!"

Banner gives him a look, rubbing at his neck. "Something tells me the OBGYN didn't feel the same way."

Thor pouts. "If he didn't want to be kicked through a wall, he should have warmed up his hands before touching me there." There's a very awkward silence after that, so Thor hurriedly continues. "Anyway, after that, someone else came in, and they used a machine where I could see the child! While it was _inside_ me! I mean, it still is. It hasn't gone anywhere. But it was moving, and stuff, and... and it was... " What do Midgardians say? That word that means 'good' and 'cool' and 'very weird' all at the same time? " _Crazy."_

The Captain looks befuddled for some reason, and Thor remembers he can be as unfamiliar with Midgard's technology as Thor is. "That's great, buddy."

"Yeah, real great." Stark winks at Banner, taking a long sip from his beverage (the type of which Thor is explicitly not allowed to have, and Banner reminded him of that when he arrived) before saying, "Glad _Banner_ seems to have plenty of time for you."

"What?" Thor frowns, tilting his head slightly. "Why are you saying it like that?"

Banner rolls his eyes. “Tony's just confused, Thor. He has trouble differentiating between types of affection. He thinks any two people who, A., aren't related, and B., spend more than five minutes together, are automatically overcome with the urge to give in and have sex." He smirks a tiny bit, and Thor must admit, it's very a very charming smile, even when Banner is being vindictive. "Y'know, just 'cuz that's his own personal experience, and he's projecting it."

Thinking for a moment, Thor pauses, then guffaws. "Ah! _Ha!_ Was that a 'burn'?" He looks around at the others, making sure they got it, too. "That was a burn, wasn't it?" Still laughing, he shuffles over to Stark, clapping him on the back hard enough for Tony to spit out his drink.

"Glad you liked it, big guy," Banner says, and Thor's pleased to notice his smirk seems to have turned into a genuine smile.

 

*

 

Thor's not sure what happened. One moment they were arguing, and Thor was winning, so Banner became angry enough to transform into the Hulk. Then, he and Hulk argued for a while before, for some reason, Hulk stopped yelling and put his hand on Thor's waist. Not harshly, or tightly, not like when he tries to throw Thor into the wall. Completely different. Thor's pretty sure Hulk's trying to get him off his guard by doing something really weird and awkward. Hulk really must be getting smarter, because that  _definitely_  feels like a Banner move. 

"What are you doing?" Glancing down, Thor studies Hulk’s hand, almost like he's making sure it's still there.

"Thor not angry at Hulk," he rumbles.

Thor laughs humorlessly. "Ahah! See, that is where you're mistaken, my friend. I am quite angry with you." Winding his arm back, he gives Hulk a sharp jab in his middle. The big fellow winces and curls forward just slightly, but doesn't react other than that. Well, Thor's got to admit, he can respect how well the big oaf takes a punch. "You won't spar with me. Why?"

Hulk sighs, and hesitates before bringing his hand lightly over Thor's middle, almost not even touching him. "Baby."

"Ah." Hulk laughs. "I see! Banner doesn't seem to understand this, but maybe you will. I'm very durable, so, even if the baby is not, it'll be like... Like, if you took a very small, easily bruised apple, and put it inside of a much larger, stronger apple. Made of metal. With very nice muscles."

Hulk groans. "Why Thor so stupid?"

At that, Thor lets out an offended gasp. To be called stupid by the Hulk, it’s... "Okay, that one really  _was_ too far." 

"Hulk... sorry." The Hulk places a hand on his waist, and Thor glances up. Suddenly, he's a bit surprised by how soft the giant's face can look at times. "But... Hulk have... other idea." 

One of those enormous green mitts finds itself under Thor's chin, tilting Thor's head very gently up. Then, his thumb, almost the size of Thor's mouth, presses against his lips. It says a lot more than Hulk's stilted words ever could. 

What happens next feels like a blur. Thor finds himself laughing on and off as it happens. It's so ridiculous! To do this... with a man—not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just that Thor never considered the possibility for himself—and then, on top of that, a man who's a  _Hulk_... It's as ridiculous as it seems, but Thor finds that he doesn't mind any of it. Hulk lies on the bed, and Thor chuckles again as at least two of the legs snap under his weight. Thor clambers on top of the mattress, too, then curls a hand under his stomach, working his way up onto Hulk's lap. Once again, one massive hand cups his entire head, like he's being asked for permission.

Thor manages to squirm higher, giving Hulk a chaste kiss before working his ridiculous short-pants down. Right. Hulk, naked. There was a time when he'd been utterly repulsed by the sight. And, now, it's... Yes, okay. It's a little disturbing still. But now, more because of how daunting it seems. Swallowing, he lets Hulk feel at him a little more before they try anything. When one of the giant's thumbs presses into his chest, kneading and pushing at the new weight, Thor feels something jolt through him. The more it happens, the more he feels like he  _needs_  this to happen. That he's needed it to happen for a very long time, but didn't even know. It gets to a point, after Hulk sitting up and curling around him, after more kisses and massages and almost-pinches, when Thor can't take it. 

He starts to lower himself down, wincing and gasping dramatically. It hurts quite a bit. Really, Thor isn’t sure why he keeps going. But Hulk continues to dote on him, and it gets to where he simply can't stop. Going down as far as he can, he presses his hand against the top of his stomach like it'll somehow help him deal with the pressure. Then, Hulk rolls his hips slowly, and Thor thinks he might faint. Breathing raggedly, he tries stupidly to mirror the giant's movements, pushing himself quickly towards a point he had no idea he was so close to. It's very different from anything sexual he's done before, but he doesn't think he's ever felt this desperate for relief. He's never  _struggled_  so much to get relief, either, and by the time all the coaxing and thrusting and groping pushes him over the edge, he can no longer think.

He shudders, hunching forward as Hulk clutches him, bucking and panting shakily, tears beading in his eyes as the insatiable feeling pulses through him. Feels like he's vibrating with that sensation for  _weeks_ , or just a few seconds, and he can't move himself for a good thirty seconds after, crouched over Hulk, weight of his belly dragging him into a crouch. Finally, swallowing and trying not to grow scared when he realizes he's trembling, Thor all but falls off the Hulk and lies there in a daze on his side. 

Hulk slings a massive arm over him, almost protectively, and, in a raspy, fatigued voice, Thor guffaws. "Heh...  _Ha!_ That was an excellent idea." 

Hulk's eyes are already closed, and all he does in response is snort like an angry bull. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to say, while I am not a Thorki shipper, I promise I don't have any problem with the pairing. Thor's "eww gross" line is purely for laughs. :)


	2. Chapter 2

As he wakes up, Thor realizes that Banner's arm is slung over him—and Thor knows it is Banner's arm, and not the Hulk's, since he doesn't feel like he's being crushed. He stays that way for as long as he can, too comfortable to want to move, but then Banner starts squirming, and groaning, before finally sitting up. The Midgardian's quiet for a moment, then squawks in alarm.

" _Thor?_ Wh-What's... " Banner groans, and Thor turns clumsily to lie on his back, despite how his stomach feels like it's crushing him like this. "What happened? Why are you na— _Oh, shit—_ Why am _I_ naked? Wh-Why are we naked... in _bed_... together?"

"Oh!" That's funny. He must not remember much of what happened. The old 'brain got shoved in the trunk' analogy and whatnot. "Uh, don't worry! This may seem alarming, but I assure you, there's nothing to worry about."

"Huh?" Banner swallows, finally tearing his eyes away from his and Thor's undressed forms so he can look Thor in the eye. "Y-Yeah?" He sounds so relieved, and so hopeful. "What's going on?" Luckily, Thor will be able to help him...  chill out!

"Hulk and I had intercourse."

" _WHAT!?"_

Hm. He doesn't seem to be any more relaxed. "Don't worry! It would take more than a bit of rough-housing to wound me! Not that, uh... Not that we were doing that."

"I g-gotta be hearing you wrong." Curling into himself, Banner starts cradling his head in his hands. "No, no, _no_ —you are _not_ telling me you and Hulk..." Instead of finishing his sentence, he makes a noise like he wants to vomit. That's just rude.

"That's exactly what I'm telling you." Thor grunts, struggling before finally managing to sit up properly. "Maybe you aren't listening carefully enough."

"Thor, no." Dropping his hands, Banner gives Thor a distressed look. "This is bad! H-He... The other guy, he didn't hurt you, right? Or... force you into anything? I know Asgardian laws have got to be different, or hell, maybe they're not, I don't know, but _consent_... Consent's important! He didn't _force_ you, did he?" He gulps at that last part, boggling up at Thor like he's scared of the answer.

"Of course not! It was all... mutual! _"_ Thor frowns, shoulders slumping as a thought occurs to him. "I'm very sorry if this... upsets you, since I realize _you_ weren't able to, uh…" Well, he realizes that Hulk probably didn’t ask Banner’s permission first.

"Look. I'm used to the big guy taking over, I'm _fine_. I think. I just..." Kneading at his temple, Banner mutters, "might have to scrub my brain out to un-see a few things."

"Banner," Thor grumbles, "I know that you're 'freaking out', or whatever, but it's difficult to be sympathetic when you keep insulting me."

"Right. Sorry." Banner takes a deep breath, weaving his fingers through his hair as he studies Thor. "I just... O-One more question. How, exactly, did this happen?"

"Ah! That's simple." Resting his chin on his hand, Thor leans forward and starts remembering. "First, you came over, and you yelled at me for practicing with a mace, even though I was being very careful, and then we started arguing, and you became the Hulk."

"Okay. Sounds right. I mean, not in a _good_ way, just... " Banner shakes his head. "I can see it happening. Th-Then what?"

"Then... I thought you—er, _Hulk_ —wanted a friendly sparring match, so I ran at you! Or, him." This could get a bit confusing. "But instead of fighting with me, he threw my mace and put me in a corner! Like a child. And then the same thing happened a couple more times, and then..." Thor scratches his woefully bare chin, thinking deeply. "I became angry, and called Hulk a great, green ape, and then we had intercourse."

"Oh my God." Inching away from Thor, Banner starts looking like he may be sick again. "I just... I'm so sorry. I had no idea the big guy'd ever try to do anything like that."

"It was fine, Banner! Really." Thor actually quite enjoyed it. In fact, he wouldn't mind it happening again. Not in the slightest! "Despite his great size, he was an extraordinarily gentle lover." Thor chuckles to himself as the memories start flooding back. "Sort of a tight fit, but we made it work."

"Jesu—Please stop! I... don't need any more details, all right?" Banner waves his hands frantically, scooting even further from Thor.

"Banner, you're being very confusing. Did you know that?" Thor scratches at his oddly damp chest (feels sort of itchy and tingly, for some reason) frustrated by all of Banner's mixed messages. "First you're all, 'Ahh, Thor, tell me what happened! I really want to know. For science, probably.' And now you're all like, 'Eww, Thor. Stop telling me that stuff, it's super gross!'"

"I, uh..." Banner grimaces, turning away from Thor suddenly. "S-Sorry. I just... I think I've had enough." Finally, he looks at Thor again, but when he does, his eyes bug out, and he has this horrified expression on his face. Thor stares at him, disconcerted, but Banner seems unable to speak, just groping at his own chest a few times before timidly pointing towards Thor.

Thor glances down at himself. Oh! So it wasn't sweat. He's just sort of... dribbling. "Ha! Sprung a leak." Dabbing at himself with the covers, Thor only looks up when Banner scrambles off the bed and begins fumbling around for his pants.

"Y-You're handling that... well,” Banner babbles, then clears his throat, and if Thor weren't so certain that Banner wasn't mad at him, he'd think the Midgardian was avoiding making eye contact.

"Yes, well, I'm used to it." Thor shrugs. "Happens quite a lot, actually." The first time, it was rather disgusting, sure, but now, Thor's basically numb to it. "The doctor you and Stark sent me to says I'm an excellent producer!"

"Okaythat'sgreatseeyoulaterbye."

With that, Banner tears out of the room with only his pants and one shoe on. Thor can hear him stomping down the hall almost as quickly as that prematurely grey fellow who died fighting Ultron. Timidly, Thor lifts his hand, waving dumbly as he tries to work out what just happened. "... Goodbye?"

 

*

 

As Thor understands, he’s basically confined to his new apartment for the rest of this ordeal, and honestly, he’s relieved. It’s not that he hates being this way—at least, not nearly as much as he expected to—but the thought of being seen like this by his, frankly, _adoring_ public is a bit uncomfortable. He feels huge, and clumsy, and his stomach is constantly knocking things over. Also, he can’t quite walk right.

He does _not_ feel like a majestic Valkyrie.

Speaking of Valkyries, at least _she_ comes to visit him. Banner is nowhere to be seen, and Valkyrie was no help when Thor tried to figure out why. As soon as he told her about the last few things that happened between them, she laughed until she could hardly breathe, and wouldn’t calm down until she’d had plenty to drink—that is to say, plenty to drink for Valkyrie, not for a normal person. For a normal person, Midgardian _or_ Asgardian, the amount Valkyrie drinks would be no less than fatal.

“I’m sorry you scared away your boy-toy,” she says, still laughing through her words. Reaching out, she ruffles Thor’s hair. “Don’t worry, _mama_. I’ll talk to him.”

Thor snorts. “I know you meant that as an insult, but I’m fine with being a mother.” It’s not like Thor can disguise it very well. Besides, Valkyrie is the only person Thor knows who still treats him the same. She’s not afraid to pull shots, or to be impolite to him; Thor can’t even say that about the other Asgardians! They’re all too afraid of insulting their king. (Well, other than Heimdall, but Thor’s pretty used to him being a wise-ass.)

“Oh well,” Valkyrie sighs. “Give me a minute. I’ll think of something else to call you.”

Thor beams. “I’ll glad we’re friends.”

 

*

 

When the pain started, Thor didn't want to get out of bed. It wasn't the first time he began to hurt, but after Banner had panicked and rushed him to another doctor, that doctor informed him that it was something called 'Bracks and Hicks', and not real labor. In other words, it was nothing to worry about.

Yet.

The doctor said he was getting very close to having the child. If the pain became too extreme, he should notify someone on the team—as in, someone who has always lived on Midgard—to come help him.  So, of course, when the pain feels worse this time and doesn’t go away on its own, Thor leaves to find Banner.

It's a long walk, and Thor nearly gets lost a couple of times, but he manages to find Banner's apartment in the end. Good thing, too; the pain was becoming quite the inconvenience! Not that Thor couldn't handle it, since he's had far worse, but still. Not fun. He knocks on a few different doors, since he remembers what floor Banner is on, but not which apartment number is _his_ number. After apologizing profusely to a very confused old woman, and getting screamed at from behind another door by a very ill-tempered man, Thor picks the right one.

Banner opens the door slowly, squinting at Thor. "Nnn… Thor? What is it?" Why does it look as though Banner's just waking up? It's already sunrise! The man has terrible sleeping habits.

"Er, do you remember what you said to me?" Thor paws at the side of his stomach absentmindedly, wincing as another deep ache begins to build.

Banner simply blinks. "You're going to have to be more specific."

"The doctor thing! How you said, if the pain gets very bad, it's time to have the baby, and I should come find you. Or Stark, or the Captain, but, you know. Since we're best friends, I chose you!"

"W-Wait, what?" Banner seems to wake up fully at that. "Thor, you're--you're in _labor?"_

"Hm. Yes." Thor nods, then frowns. "Is that what this is? I mean, probably." He winks. "Yes."

"Oh my God." Banner pulls Thor inside, flailing a bit before he starts to pace. "Why didn't you call me? Do you even have an overnight bag, o-or emergency contacts? I-Is there anyone you want to be there when you... y’know, _give birth_?"

"You," Thor answers immediately, then grins sheepishly. "That's why I came here, Banner."

"Uh." Blinking in surprise, Banner freezes, looking very taken aback. "Oh. O-Okay. Well, you're still walking around, and you sound good, so you're probably just in the early stages."

Thor nods again, then lets out a soft noise of surprise, wincing at the sudden, unmistakable feeling of— Oh... Oh, sweet Valhalla. Did he just wet himself? "Well," he mumbles stupidly, "this is embarrassing." He can't really see past his stomach anymore, but judging by the way it feels, he thinks the stain may be quite large.

Banner looks down, following Thor's gaze, then jumps. " _Shit!_ "

Thor flushes. "I, uh... I apologize for my... _incontinence."_

"Thor!" Banner's voice sounds shriller than Thor has ever heard it, and to his surprise, the Midgardian grabs his arm forcefully. "You didn't—That's not pee. Your water just broke!"

"My... water?" Thor echoes dumbly.

Banner's eye twitches noticeably, and Thor thinks he can see the tiniest tinges of green appear around his temples. " _Seriously?_ Didn't you read any of the books I gave you? Or look at the websites? Did you just tune it out when the doctor was talking to you!? I mean, for God's sake, I kind of expect it at this point, but—" Thankfully, the other man takes a deep breath and calms himself before continuing. "Never mind. That's... That's not important now. Your water breaking, it, uh—it means you're a lot closer to having the baby than I thought. We need to get you to a hospital as soon as we can."

"Oh, ehh—" Grimacing, Thor makes a 'no thanks' gesture. "I'd rather not, Banner."

"Nope." Banner pulls him towards the door, and Thor, with his weakened sense of balance and tender ankles, can't quite squirm away. ""We're going. Now."

"No!" Thor bristles. "Banner, I _forbid_ it!" Banner continues pulling with alarming amounts of strength, given his stature, and Thor feels himself pale as he realizes he may not win this battle. "Please?" Timidly, he admits, "I don't like hospitals. The last time I was in one, they tied me down and tried to steal my blood."

"I promise it won't be that bad." Banner reaches out to place his hand at the small of Thor's back, rubbing the spot gently. It almost makes Thor stop in bewilderment. Just when he thought Banner wanted as little to do with him as possible, he’s making efforts to help comfort Thor. That just shows what a good man Banner is, Thor supposes.

Tentatively, he smiles, deciding that Banner is right. Everything will be fine.

 

*

 

"Banner?" Thor asks, voice quivering. "Is it supposed to do that?"

Banner had stuffed him into a cab, and they'd driven to the hospital, entering it (although, Thor must admit, he kind of... dragged his feet and made that part very difficult) before going up to the lady behind the counter. Apparently, Stark and Fury made arrangements, because, even though Thor had gotten many odd looks and stares along the way, there were no questions. The nurse even gave Banner exact instructions when it came to where they needed to go. Thor had tried to listen, but the pain was becoming more and more intense, and it was difficult. In the end, he simply let Banner steer him around, guiding him into an elevator.

Going into the elevator turned out to be a bad idea.

Groaning, Thor rubs at his stomach, slouching against the wall. "Y-You know, I felt much safer flying with Mjolnir than I do waiting in this thing." He really misses his hammer right now! He and Banner could have made it to the hospital so quickly if he still had it.

Banner swallows loudly. "I'm, uh... I-I'm sure it's fine." He presses a few buttons, then straightens up and grits his teeth. "Or not."

"Ha! Wonderful joke, Banner." Thor glances around, looking for the other exit. There must be one, right? Just in case this sort of thing happens? "Where do we get out?" Thor has seen plenty of movies where people do exactly that. The elevator stops, and the hero climbs out through the roof, or up the rope, and then leaps onto one of the higher floors. Thor isn't exactly at his physical peak right now, but he's willing to give that a try.

"This is a pretty old elevator, I don't think it..." Banner looks around, too, then groans, raking both hands through his hair. "Yeah. No emergency exits. Lawsuit waiting to happen." He shakes his head, then wipes his brow, which has apparently gotten quite sweaty. Ah, well, that makes two of them! "That's okay! It's... It's gonna be fine. We're not gonna be in here for more than a half-hour. Maybe an hour, tops. A-And, for first time... _parents_ , labor usually lasts upwards of twenty hours! We'll get you out of here, and into a nice hospital bed—nobody's gonna tie you down, or take your blood. It'll be a good experience!" Banner sounds like he's trying to convince himself more than Thor, but Thor doesn't really mind. Whatever helps him sleep at night, right?

"No matter. I'll open the door." Thor steps up to the metal panels, starting to pry his hands between them and then gasping and stumbling back. "Oh. Eheh. That... hurts." He's been hurting since this morning. And, probably, for most of the night. It's just that he's been through worse, and he didn't think it was all that noticeable, but suddenly, it's like the ache has doubled. "Oh, God."

"Thor!" Banner shouts and rushes to his side as Thor falls partway against the wall of the elevator, slowly sinking towards ground. "Are you okay?” When Thor doesn’t answer right away, he keeps talking. “A-Actually, don’t answer. Not much we can do right now. But somebody's gonna come for us any second now. Just try to relax."

"I don't like this, Banner." Thor grits his teeth, shifting uncomfortably as the pain builds even more. "R-Relying on this... _machine_ to start working again. It seems... unlikely." Will Thor have to use lightning to blast a hole in the wall? Normally, yes, he'd do that in, like, _two seconds_ , but right now, he has to admit that it’s probably a bad idea.

"I know! I know." Banner hesitates before gingerly grabbing his wrist. Thor immediately moves his hand lower, clutching at Banner's fingers. Hissing in pain, Banner flinches, but doesn’t move his hand. "But they'll get here soon. I mean, this is New York! Happens all the time. All you need to think about is... breathing! In and out. Real slow."

"Right! Breathe. I-I can do that." Banner is probably an expert at this: breathing calmly so he doesn't transform into the Hulk. Slouching, Thor lets his head fall back, closing his eye and trying to pretend he's doing that 'Yogo' thing he sees on television sometimes. If he tries hard enough, he can breathe deeply and make believe he’s on a mat, doing weird stretches, and not in horribly agony.

"Is there anything I can do? T-To, y'know, help?" Thor reluctantly lifts his head and squints at Banner, feeling a pang of guilt when he sees how frightened the other man looks.

"No, no. Don't worry yourself. I'm fff... " Thor bites his lip, then waits for the latest cramp to ebb away before finishing. "Fine." Resting a hand on top of his stomach, Thor grimaces at how taut it feels. The weight of it almost seems crushingly heavy to him, and the baby's gone mostly still. It’s like every muscle he has there is tensed up, making everything in his midsection burn.

"No offense," Banner mumbles, hesitating before reaching up to push Thor's damp hair from his forehead, "but you don't look so hot."

Thor frowns, admittedly hurt. Things are already bad, but now Banner must be an ass to him, too? "I thought Midgardians found me attractive!" Maybe not anymore, since a pregnant man is also quite unusual to them, but still. It seems unnecessarily cruel of Banner to bring it up right now.

"You _are_ attractive!" Banner blurts, then winces. "I mean—look! That's not important. I was just trying to say that you seem like you're in a lot of pain." He sighs, glancing down at Thor's swollen midsection. "How's the baby doing?"

"I-I don't know," Thor admits, stretching one leg out, then the other. It feels good to move something, and he thinks it helps with the pain, if only slightly. "B-But I don't feel... _great_." Just as he says that, he lets out a small puff of air. It's like his stomach just dropped, but he doesn’t mean that as an expression. That’s literally what it feels like.

"It's okay!" Banner's hand tightens around his, betraying how it is _definitely_ not okay. "Everything's okay. We just have to stay put. And wait."

Thor nods, and holds his breath. He isn't sure how much time goes by (it could be hours, or minutes, or even a few seconds), but after another wave of pain starts to build, the pressure becomes impossible to mistake and Thor's hit with a bolt of panic.  "U-Uh. Banner? So. Bad timing. I get that, but, uh... I... " Swallowing, Thor adjusts himself clumsily. "I think it's... _coming out_." Sure, he knew it was supposed to be coming out already, but now he feels it. There's all this pressure from between his legs. And it isn’t coming from the thing he's always had between his legs! It's coming from the... _new_ thing.

"Wh-- _really?!"_ Banner looks more panicked than ever, somehow, and Thor can only nod again. "A-And you're sure about that?"

Thor makes a noise of confirmation, reluctantly helping Banner when the other man reaches out to get him out of his pants. He ought to be humiliated, knowing that Banner is seeing him in this state. So weak, and unable to grit his teeth and just _deal_ with the pain—oh, and seeing his private areas, one of which he didn't really... _have_ less than a year ago. Really, Thor's not certain how he feels about all of it. This is embarrassing, and he knows he’s embarrassed right now, but mostly all he can think about is how scared he is, and how desperate he is for this agony to go away. So, even though he feels like he's dying inside when he does it, Thor forces himself to spread his legs, letting Banner get a look at him. The Midgardian's quiet for a few seconds, and Thor nervously asks, "Is it bad?" That machine at the doctor’s (who was very rude, and kept poking Thor in uncomfortable places) said the machine showed the baby was fine, and that it was human, and not some gigantic snake or two-headed monstrosity. But what if he was wrong? All Thor saw was a weird, foggy-looking... _bean!_ He's not sure how he'd handle a monster baby, after all these months of discomfort and suffering, but for now, all he can hope is that he still has time for this stupid elevator to start working again.

"I don't think so," Banner says, placing his hand on top of Thor's knee. "But you’re a little, uh, further along than I thought. Not that it matters! You’re doing good, so… a-all you have to do is just, uh... Just let nature take its course!"

"That's nn... not very helpful, Banner," Thor chides, hunching forward as another ache starts to build in him. "I d-don't know if you knew this, but on Asgard, a man hah... _having_... a chhhild is not... v-very natural." Nature has nothing to do with this! This is all magic. Magic Thor knows nothing about. Hell, he didn't even realize it was possible until this whole mess happened. It's not exactly a useful skill to have on the battlefield, making men pregnant.

"Okay. Uh, g-good point." Banner nods weakly, and the hand on Thor's knee squeezes lightly. "I hate to say this, big guy, but I don't think we're gonna be able to slow this down. So, i-if you feel like you have to start… y’know, _pushing_ , you should probably do it."

"B-But Banner, I..." Thor cuts himself off with a deep, miserable groan, eye screwing shut as he struggles to catch his breath enough to speak. "I th-thought you said it was very imp... _portant_. That I have the child in the... hospital." Swallowing, he admits, "I don't th-think... the elevator counts." After all the stuff he stopped doing, all the things he went through so that this would turn out okay, Thor feels like a pit has opened in his chest when he thinks of how many things could go wrong from giving birth now.

"I know I did," Banner says, "but there's nothing we can do to change what happened. You're probably gonna make things worse if you... " He winces, then sheepishly adds, "try to hold it in." Thor almost wants to laugh at the way he says that, but he's hurting too deeply. And he'll never admit to being scared—the God of Thunder doesn't fear anything like this—but there's a feeling that's... _pretty_ close, and it has a very tight hold on Thor.

That's the last clear thought Thor has for a while. After Banner says those words, Thor finds himself in a whirlwind of hurting too badly to think, and brief moments where he’s thinking a million different things at once. He's freezing cold and feverishly hot at the same time, and he's so uncomfortable propped up against the metal wall while sitting on the floor... His heart is racing to the point where he can hear it beating in his own ear, and every time the pain starts to build after ebbing, he's struck with this mental image of some giant thing wrapping its fist around Thor's middle, squeezing him so tight his guts start to leak out of him. Then it releases him before slowly, gradually, tightening its grip on him to that bursting point all over again.

Just when it gets to the point where he feels he might pass out, he bears down, pushing with all his might. Banner says _something_ , and it sounds like encouragement, so Thor does it again. And a third time. And a fourth. Finally, when he feels like he might be falling apart at the seams, there’s this unmistakable sensation of something small and solid falling from him.

Gasping like he's been struck in the chest, Thor struggles to catch his breath. He tries to push himself up, and barely manages, arms shaking violently.

"No! _Nonononono—_ stay put, all right?" Banner reprimands him immediately, and Thor loses his grip, slumping towards the floor. "It's okay, just... Just give me a second." Thor hears this pitiful, ugly cry, and it’s like he's been punched a second time. "See?" Banner hurriedly shimmies out of his shirt, wrapping it around the infant before handing Thor the tiny bundle. Thor looks down and...

Wait.

"He's... blue." With bright, red eyes. Faint patterns on his skin, and thick, pitch-black hair. It all comes rushing back to Thor then—Loki's last words, his last _actions_ , and, also, how disturbing and _in character_ this kind of thing would be— "LOKI, YOU _FIEND!"_

"W-Wait, he's not supposed to be blue?!" Banner babbles, but Thor can barely hear him.

"Of _course not!_ Asgardian children aren't _blue!_ Loki was a Jotun—a frost giant! I'm sure he never told you that because he was—he _is_ —an ass!" Snarling, Thor lifts the child up above his head, glaring as it wails even louder. "All right, brother. You've had your fun. I've been _thoroughly_ humiliated. Now stop this foolish charade and turn back into yourself so I can punch you."

"Are you kidding me?" Banner scrambles towards him, grabbing the infant out of his grip and cradling it against his chest. "You can't punch him! Thor, he's _just_ a baby. He's only been… _out_ for a minute!"

"But he's _Loki!"_ Thor gawks at Banner in disbelief. How can he not get this? He's met Loki before, he knows how insidious he can be. "He's done worse when we were children! And now, he's trying to manipulate both of us. He's in there... " Thor narrows his eye, watching the squirming blue infant suspiciously. "Waiting to strike."

Banner looks at him like he's insane—really, he's lucky he has that whole Hulk thing going on for self-defense, because Banner can be remarkably naive. "I'm pretty sure he's just a baby, Thor." The Midgardian inches over to him, keeping Loki nestled in the crook of the arm that's facing away from Thor. "Maybe he's a baby Loki, but... Okay, well, uh, look at this!" He points to the child's face (which is the only part Thor can see through Banner's shirt-swaddlings.) "He's covered in blood, and _fluid_ , and who knows what the hell else. Would Loki—specifically, _your_ Loki—really let himself go through that?"

Thor opens his mouth, eager to protest, but then he can't... really think of anything to prove Banner wrong. Still. "Maybe that's just what he wants us to think. That he's too vain to subject himself to this with his mind intact." He's turned into even stranger things before, just to get the drop on Thor. Once, he turned himself into a tiny square of paper and—oh. Wait, no. That was the Strange Doctor, and Loki wasn't actually the paper. Bad example. But Thor can think of plenty of other examples that are _considerably_ less bad.

"Just humor me, okay?" Banner scoots a bit closer, wrapping an arm gingerly around Thor's shoulders before leaning into him. "Give it a minute. I guarantee this is just a normal... er, normal _yo-tunn_ baby, but if it isn't, and it turns out that this—" He lifts the child, who has finally gone mostly quiet, up so Thor can see him properly. "—is the real Loki..." Banner takes a deep breath, closing his eyes and mumbling, "I'll punch him for you."

Thor blinks in surprise, then chuckles. "No, that wouldn't do much good. You're very weak. It'd probably feel like a fly landing on him, or something. Might be a little more impressive if you had the Hulk do it." Ducking his head, he pauses before timidly resting his temple against Banner's. "But... _thank you."_

Banner chuckles, too. "You're welcome."

 

*

 

Thor still hates hospitals.

In fact, he thinks he hates them more than ever. Their elevator maintenance is clearly sub-par, and as soon as they got him and Banner out, not only did they refuse to let Thor leave, they insisted on stabbing him with a tiny needle, putting something _into_ his blood, and making him lie in a bed in nothing but a weird dress made out of paper.

It doesn't help that Loki hasn't stopped wailing in the last half-hour or so. "Oh, would you shut up already? I agreed not to punch you. You can stop crying now."

"Maybe he's hungry?" Banner ventures.

Thor pales, sitting up and swinging his legs around so he can start to get out of bed. "O-Oh. Oh no. Banner—we must find a wet-nurse!" His stomach turns when he so much as _pictures_ it. "I will not do _that_ with my brother."

"That's okay! That's okay. Don't worry about it." Banner shoves Thor down with all his strength. Lucky for him, Thor is still feeling weak, and Banner manages to push him back an inch or two. "The hospital should have some formula. Uh, it's like... It's something babies can eat instead of m... " At that, he pales too. "Y-You know. Anyway, I'll just go... get somebody who can bring us some." He gives Thor another shove that doesn't do much. "You stay put."

Thor groans. "Fine." Banner darts out of the doorway, and Loki continues to scream. Rolling his eye, Thor scoots over to the other side of the bed, reaching over the metal bars and into the tiny, clear cage where they put the baby. Lifting the child, Thor nestles Loki into the crook of his arm and grumbles, "I still don't trust you."

He waits as Loki writhes against his arm, and time passes slowly. Thor thinks it's been ten or fifteen minutes by the time Banner trudges back into their room. "So, uh... Bad news." He refuses to look at Thor as he says, "There was a huge accident downtown. Pretty much all the employees are in the emergency ward. The only nurse I could find said you should—and these are her words, not mine— ' _suck it up'."_

" _She_ can suck it up!" Thor bellows, then cringes as Loki shrieks even louder. Squirming against the bed nervously, he asks, “Did you explain, Banner? About how this is Loki, the same one who destroyed New York, and also, my brother, and I _refuse_ to feed him in that way?” Grumbling, he knits his brow together and adds, “I may also refuse to feed him _any_ way, depending on how he acts.”

“Thor, I’m telling you,” Banner groans, pinching the bridge of his nose in exasperation. Clearly, he doesn’t understand their dire situation. “He’s just a _normal_ baby. A-And hey! Uh, there’s no way that Loki would _let you_ do something like that, right? Breast, uh…” Thor watches as Banner’s face grows progressively redder. “F-Feeding.”

“Huh.” Banner… may be right. “So you’re proposing some sort of test?” Loki was a creature far too proud to willingly turn into a thing this weak and pathetic. So, Thor will admit, Banner already has some evidence to support his ‘normal baby’ theory. And no version of Loki, no matter how insane, would willingly… _feed_ from Thor. Hell, Thor feels equally repulsed by the thought, except in this very specific situation, where he might be able to force Loki to reveal his true form. Also, to prove he’s right to Banner, and lord it over him. “Just so you know,” he mutters, ducking his head towards the squealing little monster, “you may have Banner and these Midgardian doctors fooled, but I know exactly what you are. You're just waiting for the perfect moment to strike. But it won’t come.” Lifting Loki up, his hands under the baby’s stumpy arms, Thor makes a threatening face, “I’m about to expose you for exactly what you are.”

"Oh! No, nope. Thor! Don't hold him like that." Banner grabs him by the wrist, then helps—or rather, _forces_ him to cradle Loki in his arms. "His neck can't support the weight of his head yet."

"No! Banner, you still don’t understand. He's only pretending!" Thor glowers at the Midgardian. "This is simply more of his trickery. Soon, he’ll transform back into his real self, and then, I _assure_ you, he will be able to hold up his head just fine."

“Okay. Sure. _Whatever_. Can you just try and feed him?” Banner paws at his face, acting like he’s just as exhausted as Thor… probably should be, but for some reason, isn’t. “If it works, great! Loki’s a dumb, harmless baby and I was right. If it doesn’t work, Loki will turn back into himself, or poof himself into another dimension, and then you can watch me—or _Hulk_ , if you’d prefer—punch him through the ceiling.”

Oh. That mental image _is_ very tantalizing. Sighing, Thor shakes his head. “Fine.” Grimacing, he sits up, pulling the papery gown down around his shoulders, then lower, exposing his chest on one side. He glances up to give Banner another glare, and Banner flushes once more, looking away. Gritting his teeth—there’s a very real chance he may vomit, after all—he brings Loki up to his chest, almost shoving the infant against him and holding his breath.

The good news is that Loki does not turn into his normal, adult self and try to stab him.

The bad news is that it _works_.

Thor lets out this awful, pained, ragged noise, hunching into a slight ball as his eye bugs out in horror. For the first time he can really remember, he almost wishes he could shrink down somehow, or make himself look smaller. Anything so that no one would be able to see what’s happening. If circumstances had been different, Thor wouldn’t have been as ashamed, but it’s his _brother_. Real bile jumped into his throat the moment that Loki clamped on, and he feels a dizzy rush of heat flood into his face at the feel of rhythmic sucking.

“At least, uh… At least he stopped crying,” Banner offers timidly.

Thor still feels like throwing up. He hates that it came to this, and that Banner _tricked_ him into doing it so easily. But most of all, he hates that this entire ordeal was some last-ditch effort for Loki to preserve himself. He tries not to be too infuriated over how the child he’s holding now isn’t even conscious of that, and he does his best not to feel too disappointed that this baby isn’t a whole new person—that it isn’t Thor’s own, genuine spawn. It’s like he has no one to take it out on—no one he can blame for all the grief he went through to get here. Still glowering a bit, he stares down at Loki again, then watches in amazement as a slight blush gathers around his cheeks, then his nose, before his whole face and body turns a pale, milky-pink. Lastly, his little eyes, open only a sliver, shift from red to green.

“Is he… supposed to do that?” Banner asks. Evidently, he’s looking again.

“I don’t know,” Thor admits. “I don’t think so.” When they were children, Loki looked Asgardian for as long as Thor could remember. Maybe he _was_ able to change his shape from the time he was an infant. At the very least, this Loki looks considerably more familiar to Thor. And, much as he _hates_ to admit it, he has missed his brother. A lot.

It’s funny. Sitting here, watching Loki partake in this disturbing and _grisly_ act, Thor can’t find it in him to look away.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we finally get to baby loki in this chapter yaaaaaaaaaay

Loki’s asleep, and at this point, Thor knows he should take the opportunity to rest while he can, but just as he’s sitting down, there’s a knock on the door. Thor heaves himself up off the couch, dragging his feet down the hall to let whoever it is in. “Oh! Banner.” He smiles, ushering the other man inside. “Welcome!”

“Hey, uh…” Banner steps through the doorway, then stands there like he doesn’t know what to do with himself before abruptly lifting the bag he brought and holding it out for Thor. “I brought you some things! I mean, Loki.” He blinks and shakes his head. “I brought you some things for Loki. Stuff for, uh… _sensitive_ … babies.”

“Oh.” Thor takes the bag from Banner, patting him lightly on the shoulder. “Thank you, Banner.” He hasn’t seen Banner since he left the hospital, and he's a bit afraid of doing something to frighten the smaller man off. "Can I get you anything? I-I have food! And beverages. Would you like some fruit, or meat? Maybe a beer?"

"I'm good, thanks." Banner jams his hands into his pockets, stepping forward and then freezing. "Wait a second—beer? Why do you have beer? You're not... _drinking_ while you feed L— _the baby_ , are you?"

Thor shrugs. "Sometimes." After he says that, he notices the expression on Banner's face and hurries to correct himself. "... Never." Clearing his throat, he pauses before timidly asking, "Is it bad?"

"Well, if you're drinking alcohol and b... " Banner honestly looks like he's been punched in the face for a moment; he blinks, shakes his head, and seems to struggle to collect his thoughts. He stares at Thor’s chest for a good moment or two before tearing his eyes away. "... _breast... f-feeding_ , it can be dangerous, or at least unhealthy, for the baby."

"Ah. All right!" Grinning, Thor gives Banner an enthusiastic thumbs up. He thinks that's a very neat aspect of Midgardian culture that people don't use nearly enough! "I will _not_ do that anymore. I mean—I wasn't doing that. But now, I will _especially_ not do it."

Banner gives him a tired smile. "Nice save."

Thor nods. "Thank you." Banner still seems uncomfortable, so Thor hurries to reassure him. "I know you're concerned, but I have everything under control!" He has for two weeks now! Okay, maybe not the first few days. Those were... terrifying. But now? Now, Thor is very good at taking care of Loki, and Banner has nothing to worry about.

"I'm sure you do! I mean, _probably._ Yeah. I actually..." Banner seems to wrestle with his words for a moment, adding, "I didn't come here to... I-I mean, I _did_... " Grabbing at his face, he starts kneading the bridge of his nose and cursing under his breath. " _Shit."_

Frowning, Thor hesitates before closing the distance between them, grabbing lightly at Banner's shoulder. "My friend, if anything is troubling you, I would be happy to lend a hand." Thor isn't always the best at taking care of people (although, he's getting much better at taking care of babies since Loki happened,) and he's the _least_... best at taking care of people who are having emotional problems. But, he still thinks it's important to try and help.

"It's just..." Banner shakes his head, suddenly determined to say what's on his mind. "I don't want you to think I'm going to be... _inappropriate_ with you now, just because the other guy couldn't respect your boundaries. I'd never push you to do that kind of thing."

"Oh, I know!" Thor gives Banner's shoulder one final squeeze before dropping his hand. "But, for the record, Hulk never made me feel uncomfortable about... boundaries, and going past them. And, uh, just know that, because of how disgusted you are with what happened, I would never pursue the Hulk. Or… you! Because it would, you know... totally gross you out." That's how Midgardians say it, right?

"No! Thor, _no_ , that's not..." Banner groans. "Look. Even if you were okay with what happened, I'm not. What if something like that happens again and the other guy goes too far? I'd never forgive myself for that.  A-And, even if everything's fine between the two of you, I don't..." He looks Thor in the eye after that, and Thor's taken aback by how intense Banner’s expression is. "I don't want to treat you any differently just because I'm attracted to you."

"Um." Thor's quiet for a moment, thinking about what Banner has just said. Then he ventures, "Are you getting yourself and the Hulk mixed up? Because Hulk is the one who laid with me. I mean, you did say you were—" Interrupting himself, he holds his hands up in angry claws and baring his teeth. "— _GRAAGH!_ Always angry. Secretly. So, I could see how it would get confusing when you try and tell yourselves apart." He lights up as a brilliant idea comes to him. "Ah! I know! If you look down, and you aren't green, then you're Banner." Frowning, he adds, "You aren't colorblind, are you?"

" _No_ , Thor. I'm not—I mean, that's not the point!" Banner scratches at the side of his head uncomfortably, beginning to babble. "Look. A-At first, sure, I didn't want to believe it. It was... _weird_ , and I just figured I was being repressed, or something, and I didn't want lead you on while I figured my own feelings out. I just had to... realize it, on my own. Sorta _make sure_ before I said, or did anything." Groaning, he grinds both palms against his face. "Then the other guy had to go and make the first move." Dragging his hands down, he finally drops them at his side and shakes his head. "Hell, I don't know. It was more of a wake-up call than anything. I don't think it really _clicked_ til these last few weeks." Taking a massive breath, Banner gives Thor a sheepish smile. One that makes Thor feel breathless. "But, uh... Yeah. I guess I like you the same way the other guy likes you. And I like you like that... a _lot_."

"Oh." Thor speaks before he can really think, replying almost instinctively. "I have to admit, I'm a bit surprised."

"Yeah, well..." Banner clears his throat, finally looking away. "Can't really blame you there."

Thor's brow knits together as a realization hits him. "Is that why you were staring at my br—" Banner looks like he may faint if Thor finishes saying that out loud, so he stops himself. "Okay, but, I just want to say, if you're done being in emotional turmoil, I would be happy to do the things with Hulk… with you." Scooting even closer, Thor raises an eyebrow meaningfully. "Even... right now. If you want to. I mean, Loki _is_ asleep, so, uh, might want to take advantage of that."

Banner gives him a sly smile. "Why do I get the feeling you've thought about this a lot?"

"What? No, nooo." Thor waves a hand flippantly. "You're crazy. Let's go." He grabs Banner's wrist lightly, tiptoeing past Loki's bedroom and dragging Banner along with him. Thankfully, he doesn't have to drag the smaller man very far (although it wouldn't be hard to do that,) because he takes the hint and starts walking on his own pretty fast.

Banner shuts the door behind them, and Thor grabs at the hem of his shirt, lifting it up over his head. He's fairly proud of himself, actually: he's been working hard to reclaim his physique since Loki was born, and he thinks he's been doing well. His abdomen already has the faintest trace of musculature, and his arms… Okay, actually, those were always fantastic. But... Hm. It doesn’t seem like his chest will go back to normal, but he thinks he's all right with that. To his credit, Banner doesn't seem to mind one bit.  Thor hears him make an awkward noise when he drops his shirt, fully exposing his chest, but he tries to reassure the other man, grabbing his wrist again and gingerly pulling him towards the bed.

Banner stumbles, but manages to keep from falling, gently placing a hand on Thor's waist to steady himself. He swallows fearfully—although, most of the things Banner does are fearful—and asks, "Are you... sure about this?"

"Am I sure?" Thor guffaws, then clamps a hand over his mouth, glancing nervously in the direction of Loki's room. When no sounds of crying or despair start echoing through the hall, he continues in a softer tone, "Banner, I'm a god. Of course I'm sure! But, ah, I understand. You're Midgardian, _mortal_ ; the idea of lovemaking with a being such as myself is... intimidating!"

"Yeah, uh—” Banner chuckles under his breath. "Not as much as you might think."

With that, he clambers on top of Thor, basically getting on his lap before pushing Thor onto his back. Well, not really pushing. Thor couldn’t be moved by Banner on his own, but Thor _lets_ Banner move him around, feeling a red-hot spark of anxiousness and excitement light up in the pit of his stomach. The other man ducks his head and kisses him gently, and Thor immediately lifts his hand to cup at Banner's cheek, winding his fingers through his, long, flowing... uh, _short_ locks. Banner’s not a woman, and Thor’s normally used to working with a bit more length and volume in that department, but this is okay, too! There isn’t much time to worry about it, because Banner’s already pawing at his waist and sides, then lifting one hand to grab at his chest. Thor moans through the kiss, gasping when Banner pulls away at the same moment he digs his fingers in roughly. " _Ah!"_

"Oh—shit! Sorry." Banner jerks his arm back and Thor lets out a soft noise of disappointment. "Did I? Y-Yeah, that... That probably hurts, right?"

"No! No, I mean... " Thor shakes his head, hurriedly explaining, "It is slightly painful, but... In a good way! Like that Midgardian musician who sings about it 'Hurting so nicely.'"

"Hurts so good," Banner says.

"Mmm." Thor frowns. He's pretty sure he knows what he heard! "Agree to disagree."

"Not r..." Banner trails off, then laughs again. "Never mind." He kisses Thor a second time, both hands digging into Thor's chest. It’s gentler this time, but his motions still feel almost hungry. Thor moans immediately, lifting his legs and grinding his knees together behind Banner. It's just that he hasn't been touched in this way in a very long time, and Banner is _much_ better at it than Thor expected. He whines a bit as Banner plants a few kisses against his neck, trying to breathe steadily as the Midgardian continues to squeeze and rub his breasts, almost fainting like a handmaiden when Banner grinds a thumb against his nipple. "Easy, big guy." Banner's voice is lower than Thor's ever heard it, and, yes, that... may contribute to how overwhelmed Thor is currently feeling.

Banner inches lower, clambering off him and pulling Thor's legs apart so he can squeeze between them. He pauses to palm Thor roughly through his pants, and Thor throws a hand over his mouth again, trying to muffle himself. It's hard to keep quiet, and he didn't expect things to move as quickly as they have, but he's certainly not complaining. Banner gingerly unbuttons Thor's pants, tugging them down over his thighs until they're out of the way, then all but lifts Thor's legs until his thighs are wrapped around Banner’s sides, the fabric of his pants stretching awkwardly across the other man's middle. Thor would take the time to remove them completely, but it appears Banner's in just as much of a hurry as Thor is.

"You're being awfully quiet." Banner bends as much as he can, kissing at Thor's stomach while one of his hands slides around the inside of Thor's thigh, gingerly feeling and then stroking almost curiously at Thor's entrance. Thor groans again, already overwhelmed and frustrated by the aching _need_ spreading through his entire body like a fever. "Y'know," Banner mutters, and Thor's barely able to register what he's saying, "I think you're supposed to wait six weeks before you do this, but you're an alien, and I'm _not_ that kind of doctor, so—" Banner finds the spot that makes Thor spread his legs instinctively, making the fabric of his jeans strain and dig into him painfully. He starts seeing little white spots as Banner lavishes the area with attention, all the while tracing his fingers gently over Thor's side and nipping at his belly.

Finally, when Thor thinks he might cry (or, that he may have to verbally complain) Banner struggles with his own zipper for a moment, then gingerly pushes in. Thor outright gasps this time, gripping at the sheets before arching his back, shuddering as the change in angle sends a whole new bolt of sensation rocketing through him. Banner grabs one hip in each hand, slowly starting to rock forward, bucking against him gradually faster. Then, after a few moments of this, Banner loops an arm under Thor's rear to lift him slightly.

Each stroke seems to build up the feeling, and Thor feels more and more overwhelmed as tears prick at the corner of his eye. Finally, _finally_ , Banner drags out one last pump of his hips, finishing by grinding so deeply against Thor, it nearly hurts. But Thor's long gone; by the time he feels Banner trembling against him, he's completely overwhelmed, one hand gripping at his chest, nails digging in to the soft flesh there as he shudders violently. A few more waves pulse through him, and Thor goes utterly limp, collapsing against the mattress and staring dumbly at the ceiling. It takes a moment for his brain to want to work again, and by the time he starts coming down, Banner is lying next to him.

"I'm very glad," Thor finally manages to gasp out. "Very glad that you told me how you've been feeling."

"Oh, yeah?" Banner turns his head to smile at Thor. "Me too, buddy. Me too."

Thor nods, feeling incredibly self-satisfied. "I'm also glad we had intercourse!"

"Ohh, boy." Banner groans, burying his face in one hand. It's almost like he's hiding! "All right, big guy. First thing's first, you and I are gonna have to work on a little thing called 'subtlety'." Thor's not sure what he means by that, but it doesn't matter. Because, a moment later, he reaches out and places his hand over Thor’s. "But, uh... I'm glad about that, too."

 

*

 

“Muh!” sprawled out over Thor’s chest, Loki reaches out dramatically, grabbing Thor’s nose in his tiny hand and squeezing it. Since Loki refused to sleep, Thor had hoped bringing him into his bed would help. So far, he hasn’t been too successful. But he knows exactly how to tire Loki out.

Thor winces, howling like he’s been maimed. “Augh! Ahh! Loki, you’re too powerful! The pain, it’s so… _absolute_ , and also, very real.” Writhing sluggishly on the bed, he waits until Loki’s little fingers open again, then lets out an exaggerated sigh of relief. “Your hands are small, but they carry an immense strength. Once again, you’ve bested me.”

Loki gurgles some more, hand patting at Thor’s cheek, then his eyepatch. Thor grins down at him—Loki’s black curls and massive green eyes are very endearing. He can see how mother became so attached to him the first time around. Still feeling at Thor’s face, Loki pouts, concentrating deeply before deciding to yank on Thor’s ear.

Once again, Thor cries out. “Owww! You’re killing me, Loki! Slowly draining my life-force away with your brutal attacks… I won’t last much longer. Please, have mercy!”

Loki’s response is to pull even harder. All right, that one really _did_ hurt, and Thor lets out a shrill yelp. “Loki!”

Maybe he should be concerned when Loki’s first response is to giggle.

 

*

 

“And you’re positive the baby— _that_ baby—is Loki?” Rogers stares across the table at Loki, who is currently propped up on Thor’s lap, gnawing on the plastic key-ring Banner gave him. It occurs to Thor that maybe he shouldn’t have brought Loki for this discussion, since it is a fairly serious one. And, also, about Loki himself.

“Pretty sure, yeah,” Banner pipes up helpfully, moving like he wants to push his chair closer to Thor before blushing slightly and stopping himself. “He’s the same species the original Loki was—an… ice giant?” Raising his eyebrows, he glances towards Thor for confirmation, and Thor nods. “I mean, you have to admit, there’s a strong resemblance.”

“Well, Thor, we’re all happy for you,” the Captain states slowly. “It’s great that everything turned out fine, and you got through this whole… _process_ unharmed. And I’m sure you’re happy to have your brother back. But this might not be an entirely good thing.”

Suddenly, Thor feels a small pinch of anxiousness. “Oh?”

“The question is,” Rogers says, “why would Loki bring himself back like this? And… would he really do it without his memories?”

“Oh, yes.” Thor grins awkwardly. “Banner had a great idea to test whether he was himself by having me brea—”

At that exact moment, Banner coughs loudly, and for a long time, forcing Thor to stop talking as he waits for him to finish. In fact, everyone goes quiet. Rogers looks mildly concerned, as does Barton, but Natasha and Stark have identical smirks on their faces.

As soon as Banner’s fit has cleared up, Rogers goes on. “Hell, even if he doesn’t have his memories now, they could always come back later. Then we could have a real problem on our hands.”

“Yeah, lemme pry into this conversation for a second,” Stark insists, leaning forward dramatically. “Listen, Point Break. I know you said your brother was _mostly_ reformed by the time he kicked the bucket, but let’s face it. His track record’s about fifty-fifty when it comes to how _muder-y_ he is. And, honestly, I gotta tell you, I’m not prepared to roll those dice. Are you?” He gestures to Natasha. “How ‘bout you? Huh?” Smacking his hand repeatedly on the table, he waits until the Scarlet Witch woman looks up from her phone. “Sparky, I’m talking to you! Okay, champ? Twitter’s gonna have to wait, we’ve got a potential Rosemary’s baby on our hands.”

“He is only a child,” Vision interjects. “And, if the information you have given us is correct, Loki did not set out on a path of darkness until he experienced the trauma of discovering his true origins.”

Wincing a bit, Thor nods. Still a bit of a tender memory, that one. “Yes.”

“Then,” Vision continues, “so long as you vow to be more honest with him this time around, I believe things will turn out better. Simply introduce him to his heritage sooner. At the very least, he deserves a chance to prove himself.”

“Said the harbinger of doom himself, sealing our fates with a smile,” grouses Stark. “Hey, not a bad nickname for you, huh? Might have to shorten it a little. Harb? _Harby?”_

“Vision has a point,” admits Rogers, looking Thor in the eye. “For now, we’ll see how things play out. Give… _this_ Loki the benefit of the doubt.”

Relieved, Thor lets out a small sigh. “Thank you.” There was never a point where he felt certain the others might try to take Loki away from him, but honestly, Thor was more than prepared to fight everyone here to keep Loki with him. He’s happy it hasn’t come to that. Cooing, he ducks his head, placing a hand under Loki’s fat chin. “Do you hear that, Loki? You’d better be on your best behavior from here on out.”

Frowning, Rogers points to his hand. “Thor, what’s on your—is that a _bruise?”_ The last word comes out sounding particularly alarmed, and Thor can understand why. It takes quite a lot to mar an Asgardian’s skin.

“Hm? Oh, yes.” Thor chuckles, and he notices Banner cringing out of the corner of his eye. “Loki bit me.”

Stark’s eyes widen. “That’s, uh, one hell of a love-bite, PB.”  He straightens up, raising his hand eagerly, like a child in a classroom. “All right—all for reinstating my ‘In case of the kid from ‘ _The Omen_ ’ protocol? Let’s see a show of hands.”

The rest of the table collectively groans.

 

*

 

"Muddew?"

Thor looks up from his 'magmazine' as soon as Loki calls him. Sure, the mother thing was... _weird_ at first, but Loki was very insistent about not calling him anything else, like 'Thor', or 'brother', or even 'father'. Thor's learned to let it slide, as Loki is remarkably stubborn for only three. Thor guarantees he wasn’t half as bull-headed at that age. "Yes?"

"Hab you seen... " He pouts, staring up at Thor with massive, green eyes as he wrings the bottom of his shirt thoughtfully. "Whewe is my... wagon?"

"Your... wagon?" Oh, _shit_. "I, uh... W-What's that? What wagon?"

"My wagon!" Loki whines, shifting from one foot to the other like he has to pee. Well, he might, actually. It's nearly bedtime. "Wiff... da stwing! Dat I can puww. Whewe is it?"

"Ohh! That!" Thor nods in understanding. "Ah, yes. Um. Well. I broke that." Honesty is the best policy, right? That's what Midgardians are always saying.

"You... _bwoke_ it?" Loki's eyes begin flooding with tears, and all at once, Thor realizes the magnitude of his terrible mistake. That lower lip quivering, the way his tiny hands form fists—Thor can recognize when a storm is brewing. "W... _Why?"_ Hiccupping a few times, Loki throws his head back and begins to sob. "It—was—my— _wagon!_ —An'—you—bwoke—It!"

"I'm sorry! I just... I only wanted to see how it worked!" It looked very fun, and Thor was only curious, but then, somehow, he managed to step on it. Even though he never had bad intentions, he’s made a horrible mistake. It’s the racecar all over again! "There's no need to cry! Seriously. P-Please stop." He inches forward, gingerly grabbing Loki's tiny shoulders and trying to think of what to say. "We'll make you another wagon, all right? With Asgardian steel, and spikes, and war paint." One that will be tough enough to handle getting stepped on.

Loki shakes his head, still crying wordlessly as Thor timidly pulls him into a hug. He squeezes the boy gently, rocking him back and forth until, at last, his cries seem to ebb out.

"I really am very sorry," he offers timidly.

Loki wipes his nose with a noisy sniffle. "I shouwd hab you... _cast out_... fow dis insub... in-suh-bor-dashun." The way he clings even tighter to Thor, however, seems to undermine his hostility.

"Good. That's not worrisome behavior at all!" Thor grins uneasily, then coughs, clumsily getting to his feet with both arms still wrapped around Loki. "How about we go to sleep?"

Loki's little fists tighten their hold on his shirt. "You hab to sday wif me. Aww night."

"Hmm." Thor glances down at Loki again, and _Odin's beard_ , what a mistake that was! He’ll never be able to say ‘no’ again. "Okay. I guess I... _do_ sort of owe you."

"You do," Loki says primly, then nuzzles up against Thor's shoulder.

"Well," Thor admits, trudging down the hall and setting Loki gingerly down on his mattress, "there are worse punishments to be given."

 

*

 

 

"Banner! Banner, look. Look at this." Thor grins, pressing the eye-phone button until it stops buzzing and takes him to the home screen, and then, to the picture spot. "It's Loki, in his helmet."

"Yeah, that's—" Banner cuts himself off with a laugh. "That's pretty great, big guy."

"I love this rectangle!" Thor begins to swipe through more of the images. Most of them are of Loki, but not all. There are a few pictures of him with fans, a few of Banner doing that ‘forced perspection’ trick that make it look like he’s holding up something massive, and several of the friendliest dogs Thor has ever met. "It makes all the tiny paintings I want! Here's Loki sleeping. Oh, and look at this one! He's sucking his thumb. And in this one, he's being chased by a goose!"

"Thor, I don't really... " Banner pauses, then leans forward. "Uh, actually, lemme see that last one real quick?"

"It was hilarious! He was running around the park, screaming." Thor has to laugh as he remembers the incident, then poses like he's in peril, mimicking Loki's squeaky, prissy little voice. "' _Mother! Aah! Kill it! Kill it! Its bloodlust is unquenchable.'_ And then he fell in the mud."

Banner laughs, too, and Thor grins even wider. "That's a hell of a story." He clears his throat, then looks up at Thor hopefully. "Got, uh, any more pictures like that?"

Thor winks knowingly. Or, blinks. That’s hard to do with one eye. "Oh, yes."

 

*

 

"Banner."

It's been about ten minutes now, and Banner keeps trying to hold his arm around Thor's side, with limited success. Things always end with him getting uncomfortable, or his arm falling asleep and Banner pulling it back before wriggling against the mattress and trying it all over again. "Uh. Yeah?"

"Listen." Thor sighs, clumsily flopping over so that he can face the smaller man. "I know you don't want to be the smaller plate—"

"Little spoon," Banner says.

Thor scoffs. "No, that can't be right. It doesn't make any sense! You can't stack spoons next to one another; they'll just end up falling over. But you can stack _many_ plates side by side in the dishwasher."

"Seriously? You're really gonna correct me when it comes to my own planet's slang?" Banner seems to have some sort of realization, because he adds, "Y'know what? Never mind. The terminology's not important." Banner pats his hip lightly. "Just tell me what you were gonna say."

"Well... " Propping himself up a bit, Thor rests his cheek against his hand with his elbow on the mattress. "I know you don't want to be the smaller spoon, but I don't think this is going to work." At the very least, Thor's pretty sure he can't sleep with all of Banner's wiggling. It reminds him of how Loki used to squirm the first few times he turned into a snake and couldn't get the movement quite right. "Why don't we try something like this?" Thor reaches out, almost timidly, then pulls Banner into an embrace, cradling the Midgardian's head against his chest as he lightly grips his shoulder.

"Yeah," Banner says after a moment of quiet. "I guess this could work.” He stretches an arm over Thor's waist, at the point where it dips in the most, and that seems more comfortable for him. Well, Thor assumes, anyway. He can’t quite see Banner’s face.

Thor yawns broadly, dropping his head against the pillows and closing his eye. "Good night, Banner."

Banner's fingers dig into him, like a playful squeeze. But knowing Banner, it probably wasn't playful so much as an accident. "Night, Thor."

 

*

 

Thor tilts his head up in surprise. That's odd—he doesn't remember Banner being Hulk when he left. Still; that's no reason to be rude! Thor likes Hulk just as much as Banner! Or less. Or... more? Okay, Thor's not going to go down that road again. He got a headache last time. "Hello there, friend. Uh... everything all right?" He must be angry, right? Banner had to have been, anyway. Although Hulk himself doesn't seem angry. More... miffed. And a little sad.

"Hulk fine." Hulk contradicts himself immediately, lower lip jutting out as he huffs.

"Really?" Frowning, Thor squeezes into the seat next to Hulk. It's quite difficult, since he takes up most of the couch! Also, Hulk’s side of the couch is on the ground, since the legs broke, and Thor only really realizes that when he half-falls onto the cushion. "No offense, but you don't seem fine."

"Hulk say Hulk _fine!"_ Hulk shouts, and Thor winces as he punctuates that sentence by crushing the "homephone" Stark gave him.

"Hey!" Thor bristles. "That was a one of a kind _treasure!"_ It was shaped like a Midgardian sandwich, and you could open it and talk to people all the way across the planet! Like his other phone, but more amazing. Thor's never going to be able to find something that incredible again.

Hulk frowns, then fidgets, almost as if he's trying to make himself look small. Thor doesn't think that's going to work. "... Hulk sorry."

"Ohh, it's all right." Slumping a bit, Thor sighs. "I mean, I lost my entire planet and, like, a _bunch_ of stuff on it. So this doesn't sting as much."

"Hulk just..." Thor looks up, watching as Hulk clenches his hands into fists, brow furrowing like he's trying to come up with the right words. Then, when he can't, he just ends up jerking his arms up and down and growling in frustration. "Hulk know Banner... like Thor. But... Hulk like Thor! Thor can't like both!"

Thor frowns, rubbing at his chin thoughtfully. "Er... Why not?"

"Because Thor need to _choose!"_ Hulk snarls again, slamming his fists down against his legs. Thor watches as Hulk wrinkles his nose, eyes darting back and forth like a caged animal. "Banner have... many people. People like Banner." His voice gets quiet next—maybe quieter than Thor has ever heard before. "Only Thor like Hulk."

"Whaaaaat?" Thor shakes his head. "That's not true! Why, just yesterday, I saw a toy store selling small versions of your hands that children could wear over _their_ hands. To punch things!"

"Those not Hulk friends." Hulk turns away as he mutters. "Thor Hulk friend."

"Of course I am." Perhaps more than that, but Thor isn't going to, like... _analyze_ it. Not right now. Gingerly hugging the behemoth, Thor buries his face in Hulk's side, saying in a slightly muffled voice, "I'm not going to replace you with Banner or anything!" Tilting his head back, he muses, "I mean, how would that even work? Everywhere you go, Banner goes, and vice versa. You're... You're what the sell-phone companies always advertise! A packing deer!"

"Package deal," Hulk grumbles. Hmph. Even as the Hulk, Banner is such a stickler for being right.

“Right.” Thor nods. "Package dean." He lets go of the giant, but only after giving him one final pat on the back. "But it doesn't matter. My point is, I care about you! And I like you because of who you are. Not because you're some... small part of Banner or something. I mean, back on Sakaar—you, and me, in the arena, fighting and being locked in a room together—we really bonded! Banner and I will never have that." Thor really is very clever—all he has to do is say a bunch of nice things to Banner, or Hulk, and then maybe lie a tiny bit about the other personality, and neither one stays angry with him! "He's always... touching beakers, and waving around clipboards and stuff. But you have a warrior's spirit."

Suddenly, before Thor realizes what's happened, Hulk has pulled him into his tremendous arms, cradling Thor like an infant. "Banner... not matter. Promise. You stay with Hulk for now."

Thor doesn't know if 'for now’ means for today, or for much longer than that, but it doesn't matter. Smiling, he wraps his arm gently around Hulk's neck, burying his face in that thick shoulder. "I promise."

 

*

 

"I'm _hideous!"_ Loki sobs, clinging to Thor as he buries his face in his chest. "Why? Why didn't you tell me I was a _freak?"_

"You aren't a freak!" Thor frowns sadly, wrapping his arms tightly around Loki as he cries. "You're just a Jotun—a frost giant. Besides, I sort of... figured you knew. That's the only reason I never told you. But I promise, it's nothing to be upset about."

"Nothing to upset ab—" Loki lifts his head, only so he can give Thor an extremely offended look. "Mother, I'm _blue!_ A-And my skin is freezing, and—" He takes a deep, shivery breath. "Blue and red don't go with green and gold! All of my clothes will look _hideous_ now."

"That isn't true." Thor frowns. Wait—it might be. Loki always more knowledgeable about fashion. "Er, probably." Oh well. No matter. "Besides, you can alter your appearance however you like. You only have to look like a Jotun if you choose to." He lifts Loki up into his arms, grinning. "But, for the record, I sort of... _like_ the blue look. You're like that... Midgardian fruit!"

Loki frowns, wiping his nose clumsily on his wrist. "Midgardian fruit?" He really is pitiful right now. He's been crying so hard that, even if his eyes weren't red, they'd be... uh, _red_. "What are you talking about?"

"You know! The one that... " Furrowing his brow, Thor purses his lips as he thinks. "It's... Ah! A blueberry."

Loki gives him a flat look. "A blueberry," he echoes dryly.

"Yes!" Thor beams. "Because, you know, you're _blue_ —obviously, that one's easy—and you're sweet. And round."

"Mother." He can feel Loki's entire body tense up against his arms. "Put me down."

"But it's a good thing!" Thor frowns again when Loki starts to writhe against his arms. "Midgardians love blueberries. They're full of... of anti-ox-accidents!"

Finally, the squirming gets to be too much and Thor sets Loki down, staring at him guiltily. Loki huffs, dusting himself off, his visage shimmering for a second before he returns to his normal, pink-skinned state. "We'll talk about this later."

Sighing, Thor watches Loki stomp down the hall and into his room, wincing as the door slams. "Okay."

 

*

 

"Ah-ha! Banner! Look." Waiting until Banner finally glances up from his papers, Thor starts pointing enthusiastically to his face. "I'm a genius!" His hair is finally long enough to be tied under his nose. It's not quite a beard, but it's close. At the very least, it’s a slight consolation.

"Yeah, that's, uh..." Banner gives him that look where he seems amused, but he isn't sure why. "That's something else, big guy."

"I know!" Maybe Thor could braid it! He thinks that might look better. "I deserve a PHD for this."

Shaking his head, Banner laughs under his breath. "That'd have to be a hell of a dissertation."

Thor sighs. "I wonder if Loki would want to help me style it. Make it look... more convincing."

"He still mad at you?" Stretching his arms above his head, Banner grunts. Thor thinks he knows why Banner’s always grunting and groaning—since he doesn’t really see him exercise when he isn't the Hulk, Banner probably pulls his muscles quite frequently!

"Yes, well... It was a bad argument." Fidgeting, Thor glances down at his hands as his hair-beard loosens and then falls off his upper lip. "Some things were said. Like, he said it was my fault he was a freak, I said it was his fault I don't have a beard anymore. Actually, it’s kind of how this whole, uh, _experiment_ came about!"

Getting up from his seat, Banner walks over to Thor and places a hand lightly on his waist. "I wouldn't worry about it. Loki's... _dramatic_ , but I don't think he's capable of being mad at you. Not for long, anyway." Grinning, he gives Thor a light squeeze. "Actually, I'm pretty sure that, uh.... Y-You remember that 'Tangled' movie he made you watch, right? The one with the witch-lady, and the princess she wanted to keep all to herself? Well, if he had his way, he'd probably keep you locked up in a tower, too."

Thor laughs. "Oh, no, no, no! You're confused! Yes, I do have flowing, golden locks, and Loki has magical powers, but... " Thor frowns, trailing off as he forgets his point for a moment. "Um."

"I'm just saying." Banner pulls him close, almost protectively. "If I were you, I'd steer clear of any towers."

 

*

 

"Ow. _Ow!_ Loki! Be gentle!" Thor winces, glancing over his shoulder at the boy.

"It wouldn't hurt if you didn't let it get so tangled," Loki says loftily.

"I did this for you!" Thor huffs to himself. "You should give me a little gratitude."

"Shush!" Loki hits him lightly on top of his head with the side of his tiny palm. It feels somewhat like getting smacked in the face by a cat. (Only when they're being playful, not when they have their claws out. Thor has learned the difference.) "I need to concentrate. This is called a waterfall braid, and I can't do it right if with you wagging your jaw all over."

"Fine, fine." Thor goes quiet, staring passively out the window as Loki gently pulls and weaves his hair. It's been only a year or so, but it's already well past his shoulders. Though he won't admit it, Thor knows it makes Loki very happy, even if it’s purely so he can try his favorite hairstyles on Thor first. Finally, the boy gives him a light push, meaning he's allowed to straighten up at last.

"There!" Loki wraps his arms lightly around Thor's neck, nestling into his shoulder. "You look beautiful."

Thor grins broadly. "Thank you, Loki. I—"

"Now you can find a better lover than Banner," Loki says confidently, then gives his back a shove. "You should go do that. _Now."_

Thor sighs, then mumbles grimly, "I'm going to get a haircut."

 

*

 

"It wasn't funny," Banner pouts.

Thor can barely hold back his laughter. "It was _tremendously_ funny!"

"No, it wasn't!" Banner insists. "You should've locked the door! No kid should have to see that. I understand why he went ballistic on me."

Thor chuckles to himself, just picturing it. Loki basically threw Banner off the bed and then tackled him. It's fascinating, really—Thor's never seen this Loki, or _other_ Loki, use his fists in a fight before, never mind with that much viciousness! "You're just cross because you lost a fight with a five-year-old."

"What do you mean 'lost'?" Banner sputters. "A-And it wasn't a fight? I mean, _what,_ are you kidding me? It can't be a fight! I can't hit a five-year-old back! I'd have to be some kind of monster." The rest of the table looks at Banner in an odd way. "Damn it, you know what I mean."

"So," Natasha says, very slowly like the words themselves taste foul, "What, exactly, were you doing?"

"Ah!" No wonder everyone looks so confounded. "Banner and I were having interc—"

Banner's hand clamps tightly over his mouth without warning. Thor stares down at him in bewilderment. Wiping a sweaty brow, Banner mutters, "You get the picture."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I didn't know about [this picture](https://jack-o-lantern12.deviantart.com/art/Thorpunzel-And-Mother-Loki-495336970) when I wrote the Tangled bit, but I'm so glad I'm not the only one to think of it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in which we end on a very fluffy note and you could arguably rename this fic 'bruce banner loves his big stronk asgardian waifu'

This is a very rare occasion, and Thor realizes that. He, and Banner, _and_ Loki are all in the same room, and Loki hasn’t tried to stab Banner or turn his hands into gourds, or anything like that. Thor’s afraid to say anything, just in case he’ll jinx it, but then Loki looks up at the television and freezes, tensing up from head to toe.

“Loki?” When he doesn’t immediately reply, Thor feels a jab of concern. Loki not talking is already bizarre enough, but he’s been quiet for almost thirty seconds! “Loki, what’s wrong?”

“That… _thing_.” Loki points to the television, and as Thor gets up and approaches him, he sees that Loki’s eyes are bugging out dramatically. “What is it?”

Following the direction of his finger, Thor watches as the Hulk appears on the screen, tearing through a building like it’s made of paper. “Er… the Hulk? I mean, that’s… Yeah. That’s the Hulk.”

“The Hulk,” echoes Loki. Suddenly, Thor’s terrified this will be some sort of catalyst for him, and all his memories will come rushing back. That would be bad for a number of reasons, but also, things will get _very_ awkward between them.

“Yes, he’s… a fellow Avenger. I know you don’t think it’s interesting when I talk about work, but he’s actually Banner—”

Banner’s shoe hits Thor in the shoulder and Thor makes an offended noise, turning back to glower at him. Instead of saying anything, Banner presses a finger against his lips, making the ‘shush’ gesture. Thor furrows his brow and squints, mouth slightly ajar as he shakes his head in bewilderment. Okay, so, Banner doesn’t want him to mention that he’s the Hulk. Or… _part-Hulk_. Whatever. Thor gets that. But he doesn’t understand _why_.

“That monster,” Loki mutters, gaze never straying from the screen. “I don’t like it. Mother!” He rounds on Thor suddenly, making Thor jump. “Promise you’ll never let it come near me.”

“He won’t come after you,” states Thor carefully, “unless you make Banner angry.”

Banner turns to glare up at him at the exact moment Loki’s face contorts in terror. “What!?” Clambering to his feet, Loki balls his hands into tiny fists. “What does Banner have to do with this? Explain yourself!”

“Banner is…” Swallowing, Thor glances back and forth between Banner’s pleading look and Loki’s vaguely threatening, yet still panicked expression. “Banner is… like… the Hulk’s pet! And if you hurt him, the Hulk will be angry, and come and hit you and wave you around like that baton you’re so fond of.” There! He avoiding telling the truth, mostly. Banner should be proud of him.

“I see.” Loki exhales a few times through his nose, little jaw gritted as he looks away, deep in thought. But, instead of asking Thor more questions, he slowly sinks back onto the ground, folding his legs beneath him as he goes back to staring at the TV.

Going limp with relief, Thor sinks back down next to Banner, ducking his head to whisper, “Why did you want me to lie? Wouldn’t you like to have some sort of advantage over Loki?”

“Yeah, but—I mean, _no!_ Kinda, but… Not really. Either way, I don’t…” Shaking his head, he mumbles too low for Loki to hear. “I know he’s never gonna like me, but that doesn’t mean I want him to be _afraid_ of me.”

“Why not?” Thor asks. “You’re afraid of him.”

“I am not!” Banner yelps.

Loki turns around, shooting Banner a death glare, and Banner sinks into the couch timidly.

Thor snorts, then puts his hands up like he’s about to attack Banner. “ _Boo.”_

 

*

 

“Mo—Thor!”

Thor lifts his head, giving Banner a startled look. It’s just that he’s never heard the man shout at him, unless he was giant, and green. “Yes?”

Banner squares his jaw, narrowing his eyes at Thor. “I want to break up.”

“You do?” Thor raises his eyebrows. Is this some sort of joke? “Why?”

“Because I hate you!” Banner insists. “I hate you, and you’re… You’re fat. And loud. And ugly.” He purses his lips, like he’s trying to come up with the perfect way to say what he’s thinking. “But also, you should break up with me because _I’m_ horrible. See how mean I was just then? And that’s not the only thing. I pretend to be smart, but really, I’m just stupid! I talk all the time, and I smell funny, and I come around here too much, and I just _know_ he—I mean, _I do_ go into Loki’s room and touch all his things without asking.”

“Ah.” Thor is starting to understand now.

“I don’t deserve you,” Banner says, melodramatically craning backwards and throwing an arm daintily over his forehead. “I’m doing us both a favor by calling it off.” Straightening back up, he clasps his hands together like a businessman. “So, now that we’re broken up, there’s no need to call me, or collect any of your things from my apartment. In fact, please ignore everything I say to you, even if it sounds like a contradiction of the things I’m saying now.”

Thor exhales dramatically, shaking his head. “All right.” Looking up at Banner again, he timidly asks, “But if this is truly to be our last encounter, may I request one final favor?”

Banner squints at him suspiciously. “That depends. What is it?”

Thor strides over to Banner, grinning and holding his arms out. “One last kiss.”

“No! No, that’s quite all right— _no!”_ ‘Banner squirms against his grip as Thor hugs him, beginning to shriek when Thor ducks his head and purses his lips. “NO! _NO!_ MOTHER, STOP!”

And, just like that, Thor is holding the much smaller, visibly shaken Loki. Swallowing, Loki seems to take a moment to set aside his trauma, then tilts his head back to stares up at Thor in wonder. “How did you know it was me?”

“Really, Loki,” Thor scoffs. “How stupid do you think I am?”

Loki frowns, just for a moment. Then, when the question sinks in, his seems to light up, taking a deep breath and gaining the most overjoyed look Thor has seen him with all day.

Thor clamps his hand over Loki’s mouth, grumbling, “Never mind.”

Loki wriggles a bit, then mutters very quietly when Thor moves his hand again, “If you’re going to pick him over me, at least make it fast. I don’t see why you have to keep dragging it out.”

“Pick… ?” Thor furrows his brow, totally at a loss, and then it comes to him. “Ohh, Loki.” Squeezing the boy so tightly that he lets out a whine, Thor buries his face against Loki’s fluffy curls. “You’ll always come first. I mean, I like Banner. In fact, I—I’m pretty sure I love him. But it’s different. You came from me.” Pulling away, he looks Loki in the eye. “I think I understand what they say now. There is no kind of love like that.”

“Mother, your words are absolutely _nauseating,”_ Loki chides, but he doesn’t tell Thor to stop.

Taking a deep breath, Thor goes on. “Alright, yes, it’s… _very_ cheesy, but Loki—" He feels a little overcome as he exclaims, “There’s no one in all nine realms who means more to me than you.”

“Ugh.” Loki drapes himself over Thor’s arms, like he’s too sickened to move. “You’re so embarrassing! Don’t _ever_ say anything that saccharine to me again!” Wiggling again, he turns his face as far away from Thor as he can, probably so Thor won’t catch his enormous smile.

 

*

 

"You won't marry mother."

Thor glances down as Loki clings to his leg, then looks up when Banner lets out an alarmed, "Whuh?" Frazzled, the Midgardian stutters. "I mean—I wasn't... planning on... What're you talking about?"

"I know what you're scheming to do.” Loki’s chubby arms tighten their grip around Thor's knee, and he snarls. "But you won't have him. You see, I'm more important to him than you are. Mother _told_ me. That's why, when I get old enough, he's going to marry me."

Thor lets out a bark of a laugh. "Oh! Ha! Loki, you're so funny."                                     

"I don't think he's kidding," mumbles Banner, and, at the exact same time, Loki yelps, "It's not a _joke!_ "

"Ah! Well, in that case... " Bending, Thor pries Loki off his leg and lifts the boy into his arms. Banner acts like Loki weighs as much as a small car when he tries to pick him up, back cracking and arms scrabbling. It's... _really_ funny to watch. But for Thor, Loki's light as a feather! If he’s anything like the old Loki, he probably always will be. Although Thor's pretty sure it wouldn't be appropriate to play 'get help' with his son. "I'm very flattered, Loki. But you can't marry someone on Midgard who is your son. And six. And, also, the same gender as you."

"Uh, no, actually," Banner pipes up. "You can now. I mean, uh, the last thing. The rest of it's still not legal."

"It doesn't matter," growls Loki. "Whether or not we're married, mother will _still_ pick me over you! You'll be nothing." Apparently, that wasn't effective enough, because Loki grabs at Thor's face with his hands, pulling Thor's head down to nuzzle against him possessively. "He's. MINE."

Banner gawks, then points dramatically. "Seriously!? You don't think there's anything weird about this?"

"Weird?" Thor shrugs. "Oh, absolutely. I'm... not even going to argue with tha. But, also, it's _very_ funny."

"Yeah?" As Loki makes the finger-to-the-throat-means-death gesture, Banner shudders. "Not to me!"

For the life of him, Thor can’t understand how a six-year-old giving death threats isn't hilarious (especially for Loki! That's so _tame_ by his standards!), but he decides to let this one slide. Banner will just have to suck it up and take the things Loki says a bit less seriously.

 

*

 

"Motherrrrr!"

Thor glances up and watches in alarm as Loki races towards him across the playing grounds, tears streaming down his face. "Oh!" Sliding off the bench, he crouches at Loki's level, letting the boy tackle him. "What's the matter?"

"This... Th-This boy! This... " Loki pulls his face away from Thor's chest, twisting his expression into... Well, that's very amusing. Thor's never seen any child capable of mustering such a look of _loathing_ before Loki, but he knows if he laughs, he'll get smacked by tiny hands. (It doesn't hurt very much, physically, but it is painful for his feelings. And pride.) "This _impudent_ boy. I told h-him I was the prince o-of Asgard! The f-future heir to the throne, and that—" He pauses to wipe his nose on his sleeve with a loud, wet sniff. "—b-because of that, he had to do everything I say. A-And he _pushed_ me!"

"Oh. Well, that wasn't very nice." Gently stroking Loki’s hair, Thor winces as the boy shivers miserably. "You... probably shouldn't boss people around like that, though. I mean, what he did was wrong, but—"

"Are you _serious?"_ Loki lifts his head a second time, glowering up at Thor with massive, reddened eyes. "I made a... _slightly_ forceful command, and he mutilated me!" Pointing demandingly towards the swing set, Loki shouts, "Now go make him apologize!"

"Right, uh—" Sheepishly patting Loki on the head, Thor grins. "I'm not going to do that, because he's not my child. But, how about this? I will... mediate for the two of you! So you can resolve your differences." Because Thor is very good at parenting, after all.

"Fine," Loki hisses through clenched teeth, clinging to Thor's leg for a moment as he gets to his feet. "Go talk to him, then. You'll see just how insufferable he is soon enough, and then you'll realize the only option is to disintegrate him."

Thor laughs. "You're so funny, Loki!"

"Sure," Loki grumbles. "Funny."

Thor walks through the playing ground, finally locating the little boy in red Loki argued with. "Oh, uh. Hello! Young man. Yes, you there. In the red."

The child squints up at him, jamming a finger in his nose. Eugh. That's... disgusting. Apparently boogers are more interesting to this child than whatever Thor has to say. "Yeah?"

"It would seem you and my son—" Pausing, Thor points down at Loki, who is glaring at the other boy from behind his leg. "This is him! Say 'hi', Loki. Anyway, the two of you had some sort of disagreement. I was thinking you could both apologize." He smiles down at his son. "Right, Loki?"

"No!" Loki growls.

Thor furrows his brow. "Loki."

"I shan't!" Loki insists. "He pushed me, and I'll see to it that he regrets such heinous behavior for the rest of his pathetic, mortal life."

"Okay, that's not helping," says Thor.

"'M not gonna say sorry," the other child says, still really... digging around in that nostril of his. "You're not my mom."

"Hm." The boy does have a very good argument, Thor must admit. "Oh, well, uh... How about you do it as a favor to me?" Ducking his head, he gives Loki another look, this time a pleading one. "Please?"

"F-Fine." Clearing his throat, Loki digs his little fingers into Thor's leg and spits the word out as if it's poisoning him. " _Sorry."_

"Yeah, me too." For some reason, Thor doesn't predict what happens next, even though, by now, he's probably the most well-versed expert of insidious children in all the nine realms. But for whatever reason, he's completely unprepared when the other child darts around him and shoves Loki again. "Sorry you're such a _freak."_

Loki hits the ground and yelps like a wounded animal, and it's like Thor forgets how to think. He forgets that Loki has a flair for the dramatic and is probably faking to some extent when he starts to tear up. He forgets that he should probably find this boy's parent and communicate with them instead of taking matters into his own hands. Mostly, though, he forgets that it isn't a good idea to threaten a small child.

"YOU!" Thor bellows, grabbing the boy's shoulder and yanking him back. "You do not push others. Do you understand?" Standing up, he glares down at the child as storm clouds begin roiling above them. "By Odin's beard, I will find you, and I will be the righteous hammer with which your justice is delivered. You will never push anyone, or call anyone a freak, for as long as you live, without knowing your mighty, Godly retribution will soon be at hand!" After saying that last part, three things happen. One, lightning streaks across the sky just before an enormous crash of thunder. Two, the heavens part and a torrential downpour soaks everyone in the area. And three, the troublesome young man Thor was... _conversing_ with tears across the playground, screaming his head off.

"Huh." Sniffling again, Loki heaves himself up using Thor's pant leg for leverage. "M-Mother, that was... " Thor bends dumbly to pick him up, and startles himself when he realizes Loki is staring at him with an unfamiliar look of amazement. "You were actually useful for once!"

Thor rolls his eye. "Thank you."

He winces as his phone rings suddenly, reluctantly fishing it out of his pocket and struggling slide the answer thingy through all the rain. "Yes! Hello? This is Thor, by the way."

 _"Thor, I know... "_ Banner sighs on the other end of the phone. _"I know it's you. The phone tells me which number is yours, remember?"_

"Oh. Yes." That's right. Thor must have forgotten in all the stress. Looking around, Thor spots the young man he threatened, who is currently crying to his mother and pointing towards Thor. Gulping, Thor squeezes Loki tight against his shoulder and sprints in the opposite direction, but, like, in a _casual_ way. As he runs, he does his best to sound casual. "So, uh... Wh-Why are you calling?"

 _"Well,"_ Banner says, _"I just happened to look out my window and witness a thunderstorm manifesting in less than thirty seconds."_ Thor knows he's trying to hide it, so he can be all serious and smart and sciencey sounding, but he can hear a grin in Banner's voice. _"You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?"_

"Whaaaat? No! No. I mean, sure. Thor. God of Thunder. I get it." He skids to a halt once he's sure they've gotten far enough away from the child's mother and her murderous look. "You think, 'Oh, Thor. He's got to know everything about storms. And Thunder, because that's part of his whole title.' But that's not all I am, Banner. My identity is much more than that."

" _Okay,"_ Banner states slowly, _"so, this storm had nothing to do with you?"_

"Precisely!" Thor nods, even though he realizes, afterward, that Banner can't see it. Probably. He’s not entirely sure where Banner is calling from. "And it certainly wasn't because I was threatening a small child."

_"Wha—?"_

"Goodbye!" Thor half-yells into the phone, ending the call and jamming the device in his pocker. He stays still for a moment, then does a small fist-pumping. Excellent! He's thrown the suspicion off himself entirely.

"This is going to have to be dry-cleaned," gripes Loki, burying his face in Thor's shoulder. "And I hope, for your sake, you haven't given me a cold."

"I thought I was useful!" Thor groans.

"Yes, well..." Loki pats his cheek condescendingly. "That's something that can be outlived, isn't it?"

 

*

 

"Thor?"

Banner walks over to him, and Thor explicitly avoids looking at what he's holding. Which may or may not be his computer. "Yes?"

"You mind telling me what happened to my laptop?"

"Lap-top?" Grinning guiltily, Thor finally turns to look at Banner. "A 'lap-top'? Ha! Wh-What's that? I've never heard of such a thing. I am... _unfamiliar_ with your Midgardian technology."

"Okay, cut the crap." Banner shoves the laptop, gaping hole and all, in Thor's face. "I know I didn't do it, and if Loki did it, he'd be bragging, so that leaves you." Banner's voice becomes more upset, and Thor shrinks into himself, feeling like a scolded hound. "Why... _Why_ would you break my computer? You know I have all my research on it."

"I, er... " Thor clears his throat, then admits quietly, "I was trying to fix it."

"Fix... it?"

"Yes! You know—fix it!" Waving his hands, Thor generates tiny sparks of lightning at the tips of his fingers. "The screen went black, a-and I panicked, because, you know, I'm... not really supposed to be on it, and so I just... " He shrugs. "Well, I figured... I could re-invigorate it!"

"Re-invigor—Thor!" Moaning, Banner folds his laptop and tucks it under his arm. "Look. I get that you were trying to something nice, but you don't understand how computers work."

"What's to understand?" Okay, Thor _will_ take offense to that. Asgardian technology is well above Midgardian technology, and Thor refuses to be talked down to. He’s been on Midgard for years now, and he can use a computer as well as he can use a phone, or an ATM. "Lightning goes in, and magic happens, and then it plays cat videos."

"That's... " Banner trails off, then furrows his brow grumpily, "an oversimplification." Sighing, he holds up his hands, like he's trying to get Thor to commit to a truce of some kind. "Look. Sure, _lightning_ goes in, but too much lightning is a bad thing, in this case. Like, uh—say you're thirsty! You wouldn't drink from a fire hydrant because the spray would probably kill you."

"Eheh." Chuckling under his breath, Thor insists, "Correction, Banner: you would die. I would merely get wet."

"Okay, well, you're an outlier," Banner insists. "My point is, _please_ don't touch my stuff." Frowning at the look on Thor's face, he reaches out to pat his arm sympathetically. "Without permission. And, without me being around." Smirking a bit, he adds, "I think it's time we got you your own computer. Y'know, so next time, you can break something _you_ own."

Thor smiles in confusion and shakes his head. He wonders if Banner knows how ridiculous he's being. "Why would I need my own computer? I can just use yours."

Banner groans again.

 

*

 

"Yer jus' sooo good. _So_ good, an'..." Banner squints up at him, wobbling slightly.  "Yer so _funny!_ When we were... fightin' that... guy, an' yer all, 'I'm Thor! God 'a Thunder. An' fertility.' An' then you poinded at Loki an' said 'I made that.'" He laughs shrilly. "Yer... so, sooo funny! I jus'..." Blinking dimly, Banner glances around like he's confused or something. It makes Thor think that Banner's a complete lightweight for a moment, until he remembers how much more potent Midgardian brews are on... _Midgardians._  "How'did we get here?"

"Well…" Thor places a hand lightly on Banner's curly mane, basically patting the doctor’s head as he thinks. It’s like one of those 'stress balls', but Thor thinks Banner's hair feels much nicer. "I wanted some mead, and you said that Midgardian alcohol would not affect me very much, so we went to a place for the atmosphere, and you tried to keep up with my alcohol consumption, which— _pff!"_ Thor has to stop and snort at that. "Let's be real, was idiotic. Anyway, we did all that, and you drank a lot, aaaannnnd..." He punctuates each of his next few words by pressing lightly on Banner's nose with his thumb. "Now. You. Are. Drunk!"

"Mmm... I'm gonna carry you home." Banner buries his face in Thor's chest, nuzzling him slowly.

"Er, no. Heh. _No_ ," Thor corrects. "I don't think you will."

"Nnnno! I can... " Banner wraps his arms tightly around Thor's waist. "'M gonna do it. Jus' wait... ch... Watch. Jus' watch." Straining, he bends his legs and tries to heave Thor up. Once. Twice. Three times. Mostly, he only manages to make Thor wobble back and forth. No part of him ever really leaves the ground. In fact, after the third time, Banner lets out a small, sad squeaking noise and clutches his back. Thor’s pretty sure he's pulled something.

"Here. Allow me to return the favor." Bending slightly, Thor lifts Banner up with one hand on his back, looping the other beneath his knees. "There! See? That's how you do that."

Banner grumbles to himself, head lolling back as his eyes screw shut.

"Oh, come on!" Grinning, Thor squeezes Banner lightly. "Don't pout. You've lifted me like this plenty of times as the Hulk, so we're even."

Banner grunts, sloppily waving his hand in a dismissive gesture. "... Doesn't count."

Thor begins walking towards his apartment, heedless of the stares as he ducks his head and plants a kiss lightly on Banner's temple. "Then, look at this way. You being unable to lift me is quite nice, because this way, I get to show off my Godly strength and incredible musculature by carrying you through the streets."

"Yeah, all right," Banner slurs. "Somethin' like that." With that, he buries his face in Thor's chest again, and something about his blissful smirk tells Thor he isn't too disappointed with tonight's outcome.

 

*

 

Loki is waiting for him in the leather chair when he gets home, arms crossed, expression disapproving. "Where have you been?" he demands.

"I've been... hanging out with Banner!" Thor must admit, Midgardian 'sling' is extremely infectious! Thor often realizes he's been using it only after the fact. Smiling, he sets the dozing Banner down on the couch, then sits in front of Loki's chair. "What are you reading?"

"Banner." Loki states, setting his book down and giving Thor an ominous look. "You've been palling around with him a lot lately."

"Yes! I have." Nodding, Thor continues to smile as he reaches out to thread his fingers through Loki's hair. "Do you want me to brush your hair?" He likes to ask Thor to do it, even though he always yells at him halfway through and says he's doing something wrong.

"Later." Loki's little face gets red and he shakes his head, correcting himself. "I mean—no!" Sliding off the seat of his chair, Loki grabs Thor's hand with both of his. "Mother, we need to talk about Banner."

"All right." Thor nods enthusiastically. Banner is... Well, Thor is extremely fond of him. He could talk about Banner all day! Banner is his friend. Or more-than-friend. Like Jane, but better than Jane, because things aren't as awkward between them. "What about him?"

Loki sighs deeply, as if what he's about to say pains him. "You need to stop this... _seduction_ of Banner that you've been doing."

"Ahh. Um." Thor clears his throat, suddenly uncomfortable. "I haven't been, uh, doing that, though."  He chuckles, shaking his head. He and Banner are already a thing—no seduction is required! "Loki, you have _quite_ the imagination!" Tucking his hands under Loki's pudgy arms, Thor lifts the boy high above his head. "Ooh! Make that serious face again." Guffawing, he watches as Loki's tiny brows furrow and his lower lip juts out. "Yes! That's the one!"

"Stop it!" Loki wriggles against his grip. "I'm serious, mother. You've been seducing Banner, and it needs to stop. Quit while you can still get away, and cease... waving your bosom around to draw his attention."

"My what?" Frowning, Thor sets Loki down on the floor and then glances at his chest. "I have not been doing that!" He pauses. "... On purpose."

"But you _are_ doing it!" Looking more and more frantic, Loki begins to pace. "And I see him staring." Stopping suddenly, Loki mimes strapping his arms over his chest, barking, "You need to cover up! For your own protection."

"Banner does _not_ stare," Thor scoffs. Banner's like a fair, virginal maiden. The man would faint at the implication of that sort of thing. Except when he's being extremely domineering behind closed doors—"Wait, does he?" Thor is... flattered! He thinks.

"All men do. And you make it worse with your flirting." Loki glowers at Thor, then adopts a shrill, grating tone as he clasps his hands together and bats his eyelashes. "'Oh, Banner! Tell me again how the footed-ball works!'"

"But I _do_ want to know how the footed-ball works!" Thor counters, offended. Scoffing, he crosses his arms. "You just don't understand how adult conversations are."

"No, _you_ don't understand how adults are, period!" Thor winces as Loki smacks him on the side of the head with one miniscule hand. Again, this type of thing never hurts, but emotionally, it does sort of sting. "You mustn't let Banner take advantage of you. He's clearly a scoundrel."

"You and I are _obviously_ not talking about the same Banner," Thor says, grabbing Loki's meaty, little fist and holding it in his own hand. "Also—don't hit."

"Heed my warning, mother," says Loki darkly, narrowing his eyes. "He's nothing but trouble. He only wants you for your childbearing hips and above-average face."

"That's not—" Thor blinks, then gives Loki a wounded look as he paws at his cheek. "Above average?" That's cold, even by Loki's standards. Huffing, he leans back, propping himself up with his hands on the floor. "Look. You're worried for nothing. And, I get it, you're afraid of losing me, because I'm so much fun. But that won't happen! Do you understand?"

"I understand you're a _fool_ ," Loki snaps, then studies Thor coldly. "I'll be watching him closely, mother. Ready to strike him down at the moment of his betrayal." With that said, Loki flips his blanket around him like a cape, stalking out of the living room and down the hall.

Thor slumps forward, exasperated. "I need a babysitter."

 

*

 

When Thor gets home, there's no sign of Loki anywhere. Instead, all he can find is a tiny black fox cub, curled up on Loki's bed as it glares indiscriminately at everything.

This isn't the first time this has happened.

Crouching down in front of the chair, Thor murmurs, "Loki?"

Loki ignores him.

Thor swallows nervously. If he says the wrong thing, he knows that Loki may end up crawling under his bed and vanishing for the rest of the night, until he can remember how to transform back. "Are you stu—"

Loki bares his teeth with a chattering sound, fur bristling as his oversized ears go back.

"All right! All right." Thor holds his hands up, like Banner when he tries to negotiate. "I can see that you want to be left alone. I'll be in the other room if you need me. Which I know you won't. Because you hate being pitied." Loki snaps at him when he says that last thing, so Thor flinches and stumbles back, getting to his feet and trudging into the living room.

He lies on his back on the couch, staring blankly at the television and not really listening to anything the people inside it are saying. Even the brightly colored _cartoons_ fail to cheer him up. But then, out of nowhere, there's a slight shift in weight near his foot, and suddenly, Loki is stalking up the cushions, clambering onto his stomach before up in a tight little ball under his chest.

"Loki!" Beaming, Thor sits up a bit. "You came!" Chuckling, he goes on. "See, I thought I'd made you angry by saying you were stuck, and then about how you hate getting pitied, because you obviously, very deep down, have low self-estee—" Loki's head jerks up and he gives Thor a _very_ mean look, despite having such a cute and fluffy face. "Um. Sorry. Shutting up now."

Letting out a puff of air, Loki drops his head down against his paws. Thor does the same, starting to relax when Loki decides to stay put. Then, after a minute or two passes, he timidly lifts his head, starting to scratch lightly between Loki's two ridiculously large ears. He can feel Loki's tiny body go limp, and he can see his limbs stretch out a little as he closes his eyes. Thor keeps doing it for as long as he can, only dropping his hand at his side for a moment after Loki has finally transformed back. And, even then, it’s just so he can rest his wrist for a second before rubbing the boy's head again.

Loki mumbles in his sleep, nuzzling sluggishly at Thor's chest. Chuckling under his breath, Thor wraps his arms around Loki.

Sometimes, he really likes when this happens! Not because it scares and upsets Loki—no, that part is terrible. But, when all's said and done and it's finally over, Loki always passes out. And then Thor can hug him as much as he wants.

 

*

 

Loki makes a face of utter revulsion, and Thor slows down when he notices the boy struggling to keep up. "Doctor _Strange?_ What sort of an asinine moniker is that?"

"Don't look at me!" Shrugging, Thor reaches out for Loki’s hand, marveling at how his hand easily encases Loki’s entire fist. "I didn't pick it. But, uh, since you already have impressive magical powers, I thought, maybe, you'd like to have a tutor."

"Hardly." Loki rolls his eyes. "I'll figure things out on my own. And I'll be better than this so-called 'wizard' in a month."

"I guess that could work," admits Thor. "The old Loki was very skilled at magic."

Loki freezes, and Thor stumbles to a halt, realizing his mistake. "The... ' _old_ ' Loki?"

"Yes! No! Loki, my... _b-brother!_ " Oh, shit. "My brother. Loki. I had one. A brother. And his name was Loki. O-Obviously. You're named after him!" Pausing, he feels a bead of sweat run down his temple, and he quickly adds, "Because he's dead. It was very sad. Now, _no more questions."_

Loki squints at him, and in that moment, it's as though Thor can feel the sizeable, puzzle-solving portion of Loki's mind working rapidly to put two and two together. For what seems like an eternity, the boy is silent, and when he speaks, Thor nearly has a heart attack. But all he says is, "You are _so_ weird," before scoffing and trotting on without Thor.

Oh, thank the Allfather.

Slumping dramatically, Thor lets out a shaky exhale before scampering after Loki and grabbing his hand again. They're about to cross the street, after all, and according to Banner, this practice is Midgardian law!

 

*

 

"Like, uh... t-take that bridge." Banner is talking away while they sit on the couch and watch television, and even though there's quite a lot of Midgardian programming Thor's never seen, he doesn't particularly mind when Banner goes on one of his tangents. Maybe he's simply used to it, or maybe he just finds it kind of funny how passionate Banner gets about... numbers and beakers and stuff! "Th-The bridge, on Asgard. The rainbow bridge."

"The bi-frost," Thor interjects.

"Yeah! That! That makes _no sense_. It's supposed to made of light, right?" He gestures with his hands, like he's trying to give Thor a very awkward visual aide. "Well, light's a wave. And, it's also a particle. Which is complete bullshit. B-But you guys, you managed to... _make_ a light-bridge, and it was perfectly solid." Shaking his head, Banner sinks down against the couch and grabs Thor's arm. "See? That's not possible!"

"It is if you pack the photons together," Thor says, grinning at how helpful he's being.

"Oh, sure you just..." Banner trails off, then looks up at Thor in shock. "S-Say that again?"

"Photons!" Thor echoes. "You just... " Lifting his arm out from Behind Banner, he squishes his fists against one another. "Smush them. Together. And, ta-da! Solid light."

"... Right." Banner turns his head so he can stare at the television. Er, maybe not. He's got that 'thousand light-year stare' the Midgardian movies are always referring to. "That's not mind-blowing at all. I mean, that’d take an unthinkable amount of energy.”

Smiling, Thor confirms, “Yes, it does.”

“That’s just insane,” murmurs Banner.

"No, it isn’t,” Thor insists defensively. "It's something Asgardian children learn at a very young age. Like your... first grade!"

Grimacing, Banner slouches enough to where he sort of, uh... slides down the couch. Like that frog Thor tried to catch for Loki that he ended up catapulting against the wall. That was a sad day for both of them. "Of course it is."

Putting his arm over the back of the couch, Thor smiles in a way he knows is probably _very_ charismatic and charming. "If you like, I could... sign you up for an Asgardian children's class! Just so you can learn the basics."

"Yeah, um... " Shaking his head, Banner gets squirms back onto the couch and then pats his cheek lightly. "I'm good, big guy. Thanks."

"Oh." Thor wraps both arms tightly around Banner, pulling him close. "You're welcome!"

Banner must feel much more at peace, now, since he lets out a muffled, contented sigh.

 

*

 

Thor has been thinking very deeply, and the more he thinks, the louder it rains.

"Banner." He says it very quietly, because he isn't certain Banner is still awake.

"Nnn... " Groaning, Banner shifts a little in his grip. Ah. Well, that answers that question. "Yeah?"

"Mid... Uh. Mortals. Humans." This is going to be hard to say. Maybe Thor should forget it. But some part of him—maybe the part that knows they’ll end up talking about this eventually—tells him to keep going. "They... don't live very long. Compared to us." Asgardians. _Gods_. Whatever.

Banner is quiet for a moment. "Yeah," he admits. "I guess we don't."

"I'm sorry." Thor flushes, realizing how insensitive he's being. "I didn't mean to... " He's not sure. Imply Midgardians are inferior? Remind Banner that this has all been incredibly fast for Thor? That this—every part of it—hasn't gone on for as long as some of Thor’s childhood vacations?

"It's okay, big guy." Wriggling sluggishly, Banner clumsily turns onto his other side so he can face Thor. "It's probably... pretty hard for you. Knowing you're gonna outlive everybody you pal around with here. Hell—I guess that almost makes us the lucky ones. Barring a… freak accident, it’s not likely we’re going to lose you."

Swallowing, Thor shakes his head. "I just... I want you to know, Ban—" Catching himself, he amends, " _Bruce_. I want you to know that, even though this has been, and will be... _very brief_ , in my lifespan, I... " He's not sure when his good eye started to prickle, and tears started budding in the corner, but either way, his throat is tight enough for the next part to come out strained. "It has been the most important part of my life so far." His voice gets quieter, and he feels ashamed, almost, when he realizes it's because he can't remember ever feeling this weak. Not when he was mortal, not when he was facing death in a myriad of ways, or even when he realized he had no choice but the let Asgard crumble away to nothing. "I don't think I will ever forget you. And I don't want to. I wouldn’t want to... move on with anyone else." Thor thinks he'll be done after Bruce.

Banner stares at him for what feels like a very long time, and Thor isn't sure if he's just... _projecting_ , or whatever Midgardians call it, when he sees a faint shimmer of wetness in the other man's eyes. "Thor, that's... " When he laughs, it comes out raspy and exhausted. "That's a pretty heavy topic for the middle of the night." Winding an arm around his waist, Banner squeezes him gently. "... Thanks, though." Another silence passes, and Banner breaks it again, muttering quietly, "I, uh... I love you, Thor."

Thor beams, wrapping his arms tightly around Banner and all but crushing the smaller man into his chest. "I love you, too."

Banner's voice is very muffled, but Thor thinks he hears a, "Fhanks."

They settle back in, just listening to each other's breathing, and at least, Thor thinks he can fall asleep. Of course, that's when Loki chooses to make his entrance, shoving the door open and clambering onto the foot of the bed as a fluffy, black kitten. Then, he turns human again to pry himself between Thor and Bruce.

"You were getting too touchy-feely," Loki grouses, before clinging to Thor with all his might.

The way he says that, and the way Banner's words are still echoing around in his head—

It may be the middle of the night, and though Thor is very tired, he can't help but laugh.


End file.
